Sanders Sides One Shots

The Hurt - DRLAMP

Janus has become to feel a little more left out of the group, it hurts him so much but perhaps he's hurting himself more than the others are hurting him after all.

Warnings: angst, self-hatred, pining, hurt/comfort, getting together (with the others already in an established relationship)

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Janus is a lot of things, sarcastic, harsh, a liar, a little mean when he needs to be, but also emotional. But those walls were built up so high they even rival Logan's own, well, before the somewhat recent development that is. And Janus was hurt. Painfully, deeply so. It hurt to see them together. To see them all together. The way Patton pulls each one of them into a hug only to hesitate when it came to Janus, that hurt. The way Virgil would make each and every one their signature drink only to 'forget' Janus', that hurt. The way Roman would ruffle their hair, place the most delicate kiss onto a forehead – aside from his brother who more often than not got an affectionate slap over the head and a laugh – it still hurt. The way Logan will sit curled up close to another, holding hands while he reads, that hurt. And the way Remus, he closest friend, took off and left him for them, perhaps that hurt the most.

But he could not show that, could he? He was strong, a force to be reckoned with, spiteful, petty, and yet still hurt.

Many nights he spent alone, listening to giggles and laughs, loud conversations between the thin walls, sharp tears stinging his eyes and sniffles muffled by his pillows. It really, really hurt. The deep pain in his chest stabbing, aching, irrational, absurd. He was jealous. So very painfully jealous. Not of any of them in particular, no, he was jealous that he wasn't a part of whatever they had, this closer, more intimate relationship that clearly, he was not worthy of. They did not want him, they did not need him, he was nothing to them, nothing but someone, something, to use, a convenience, to be there whenever they needed him to be of service and nothing else.

He could not help those painful, poisonous thoughts from plaguing his brain, his thoughts, his dreams. It got him down.

*

It's a movie night, Janus is certain, the loud singing from the twins and Patton, the boisterous giggling, even the undignified screeches of 'hey!' from Virgil and Logan every so often. Janus is missing out but then again, he wasn't invited. It is late anyway, too late to join them. Maybe he should simply go to bed, he won't sleep but he's not doing anything else either, other than wallowing in his own self-pity and depressing thoughts.

He gets up, puts on one of his favourite silk robes and decides that he looks decent enough to be seen and walks downstairs, even just to see what's going on. Even just, for a moment, to feel like he's involved.

But it is a bad idea. Seeing Roman sat on the floor between Patton's legs, the other man playing with his hair in a way that must be soothing as Roman's eyes are closed blissfully, yet a smile on his lips and giggles still slip past. Beside Patton is Logan, leaning against him but talking lowly with Virgil beside him – probably about something that set them all off laughing in the first place. Remus then beside him, well, half atop of Virgil who simply chooses to ignore him and his maniacal laughter for the most part.

"Shh, be quiet, we don't want to wake Janus up," Patton scolded the seemingly endless giggles from the others but unable to stop himself from snickering as Remus unceremoniously falls off the couch and onto the floor between his fit of laughter.

"Don't worry, I'm already awake," he says, deadpan and serious, if only to mask the slight hurt of once again not being invited nor included to one of their group hangouts.

"Oh, Janus, we're sorry!" Patton apologises immediately, hand over his mouth to cover the remnants of his laughter. And Virgil at least has the decency to kick at both of the twins to get their attention, giving them 'a look' which they must understand as 'shut the fuck up immediately' because they fall almost completely silent.