FINDING HAPPINESS. ( EDITED.)

CHAPTER 20

The next day I get released front the hospital. My uncle and millie picked me up. I haven’t said a word to anyone because I am so devastated. I heard the nurse talking about sthembiso spending the night at the hospital and how sweet it was. I don’t think so and I didn’t see him after I got to the hospital because I got sedated and I woke up some time later at night and I cried again. I still can’t believe I miscarried. I wipe my tears and look outside the window. Millie lays her head on my shoulder and I look at her. She’s so young and beautiful and I hope the world doesn’t hurt her like how it has hurt me. I’m just glad that she’s here with me.

We get home and I see that almost all of our family members are here. Honestly I just want to be alone and not have everyone ask me if I’m ok. I get off the car and Millie takes the bag that has my bloody clothes. I walk through the living room because I want to avoid the people that are in the kitchen. The moment I come in, my eyes quickly fall to the place where I ‘ lost ’ my children if I can put it that way. I stand and look at there and it all comes back. Maybe I should have said something that I’m not feeling and maybe just maybe I wouldn’t have lost my kids.

“ lwandle? Lwandle? ” it’s my mom. I look at her with my glossy eyes. She comes and holds me to her chest. I hug her tight and cry. She takes me to my bedroom and we sit on the bed. She comforts me until I stop crying. “ I am so sorry my child. I wish I knew how you are feeling so I can know how to comfort you but I don’t baby because I have never been through what you went through. I want you to know that I am here for you and it will get better in time. Not now or tomorrow but someday it will. Uyezwa sisi? ( do you understand?) ” I nod. “ why is everyone here mom? What’s going on? ” she wipes my tears. “ we are doing a cleansing for you cause you miscarried. I went to town and…. . ”

She cries and that breaks my heart. “ I went to town and I bought clothes for them. I didn’t know if I should buy girls only or boys clothes only but I mixed them. I bought two for boys and one for a girl. I had hoped they would be born like that. ” she sniffs. “ thank you ma cause I don’t know if I would have been able to go there and pick the clothes myself. ” we hug each other gain and stay like that for while until someone knocks on the door. My uncles wife aunt Tina opens the door and gets in. She hugs us too crying then she stops. “ come baby. It’s time for you to go cleanse. Take off your clothes and wrap yourself with this towel then come with me. ” I get up, take my clothes off and watch myself in the mirror. I touch my stomach and I feel empty.

I take the towel and wrap it around me then follow my mom aunt outside. It is so cold, I’m actually shivering. She sits me down on a chair then she takes a shaving machine and shaves my hair off. After we are done. She takes me to the back of the back rooms and instructs me to take off the towel. There’s privacy there and I know no one will see me naked. I give her the towel and she instructs me to wash myself as she pours the water on me. The 20 litre she has is mixed with all kids of stuff. Apparently she has to be the one who does that because she also had a miscarriage after their first born. I wash each and every part of my body like she said. The water stinks and some of it mistakenly lands on my tongue and it tastes terrible. I wonder what did they put inside there.

After I am done, she gives me clothes to wear then we leave. I find sthembiso's family there. I don’t know why they are here because we now have nothing that is connecting us. I greet them then leave them there and go to my bedroom and lay on the bed, cover myself with the fleece blanket and my body shakes uncontrollably and I cry for my kids. I hear the door locking and I don’t dare look up because I just want to be left alone. I want to grieve for my loss without having to explain to someone how I am feeling. The bed dips and I know it’s sthembiso. Why is he here? Does he want to see me in pain? Is he here to gloat because I feel like he didn’t lose anything. He still has something to look forward to. He lays behind me and I feel his chest on my back then I feel him putting his arm on me hesitantly.