♡ my rants ♡

a letter ･*･ﾟ☆

hi! so this isn't a rant, i'd say it's more of a letter (?) i wrote for someone who's not here anymore. i just want to put it out into the universe. i'd like to believe he can see it and read it from wherever he is.

here you go, kris. please visit me in my dreams tonight. i haven't seen you in so long. 

i think i've always avoided talking about you, because not talking about it makes it seem as if it never happened. man i barely knew you yet i could see how amazing you were. i looked up to you and your fashion sense (i considered starting dressing like you because of how well you pulled it off). i think i should've said something. i could see the cigarette burns on your arms, i think you thought no one would know what it was, but going through the same thing, i understood, even without you having to tell me. we didn't really know each other, all we did was have random conversations in the middle of class because of my poor art skills, and you'd tell me "it doesn't look bad, that's actually pretty good" even though we both knew it was HORRIBLE. i really appreciated you, you had this energy that surrounded you that somehow made me feel safe. its crazy, i know, because i didn't know you enough to even be able to call you "my friend". i hated the days you weren't at school it felt lonely without you in IT class. you made it bearable. once you left, i felt nothing when i stepped into class. i shut down. i came across your instagram and i saw how much you were suffering. i know now why you were barely in school. i feel like i wasn't meant to know, i felt like i was invading your privacy, but i still went through your account. i'm sorry. you deserved the world. you made me tear up one time. you told me that no matter what my sexuality was that i am valid, you told me that if i were to be bi and dated a man it wouldn't make me any less of the lgbt community or invalid. that has helped me so much. your words always ring in the back of my head. i regret not talking to you more, maybe somehow i could have helped you. the days without you in class after you did it, were the worst. seeing that empty seat right next to me where you used to sit was the worst thing ever. when i found out what had happened over the weekend, i skipped school that monday. i couldn't bare seeing that stupid empty chair next to me knowing what had happened. i cherish the few times i got to talk to you in graphic design in freshman year and the few times i talked to you in computer graphics during sophomore year. you know, i used to play "you only live once" and "someday" by the strokes on repeat in that class and you were always there. those songs remind me of you. i hope you know how much you're missed. it's been a few years, but you're always in my head and in my heart. i will never ever forget you. i miss you so fucking much you don't understand, but i don't blame you for leaving and i don't think anyone does. thank you for giving me the privilege to have sat next to you, (even though there was a seating chart) you were so kind even though i know you would've preferred to sit somewhere else. thank you for helping me with my work and giving me tips rather than judging my poor art skills. thank you for the talks about our emo phases. thank you for the reassurance. literally just thank you for every little thing you did. you were too good for this world. i know you're better wherever you are and i hope you see this. this is for you, kristopher banker. fly high, love.

(ps
     omg kris i'm starting to figure out my sexuality more and i'm leaning towards completing gay and ive come out to more people! thank you so much for making me feel valid even though i still struggle with it. miss you, bub.)