♡ my rants ♡

fuck you⋱

i'm the only memory i have of you and i think that may be why i hate myself. sometimes i feel like i'm not any different from you, because if you were to be standing in front of me after all these years, and i somehow managed to recognize you, i might want to hurt you. not in the same way you hurt me, but i'd want you to feel at least a bit of the pain and anger i do now. at least a bit of what i have felt for 15 years. the thing is though, we truly are different, because as much as i wish you felt what i felt, i'd never lay a single finger on you. hurting you would never even begin to amount to my pain. it would never give me any sort of "satisfaction" to stoop to your level, and i think that kind of sucks in a way, because i don't know how to let you go. hurting you would never even begin to make me feel good and honestly, even trying to accept that i want to hurt you is not in any way comforting, because it makes me feel tied to you. it makes me feel as shitty as you. here's another thing though, i absolutely detest violence and the thought of people suffering. it goes against every single thing i stand for, no one deserves to suffer or feel pain and no one deserves to be hurt. and yet, the thought of you being absolutely miserable wherever you are is the only thing that makes me temporarily feel okay. the thought that you're out there feeling at least an ounce of what i feel in the most hurtful way possible makes me feel at least a bit at peace for a few moments. there are a lot of moments though, in which i feel absolutely guilty, because you're a human being just like i am, and you probably have shit that led you to do what you did; but i don't think it's fair for me to feel guilty on yours and my behalf, because you don't deserve my guilt. i wish i could forgive you, so that all of this would stop eating me away, but this isn't something that's forgivable. you really fucked up my life and i can't help but wonder if you're out there living your life freely, because i don't think you deserve it. i can't help but wonder if you ever got the chance to do it to someone else. i hope and pray to god that you did not. i really hope i'm not stuck here feeling so shitty just for you to be out there free. free from me and free from any remorse, because if either one of us deserves to be free, i think it's me.