All the things I never told you

In a letter I wrote, yet never sent.

Dear Korra,

I have a habit of writing letters and not sending them to you. It sounds unorthodox I know. I always mean to. I sit in my bed in the late hours of the evening. Convincing myself that the next day I'll slip the letter into my mailbox and let the envelope find it's way to the South Pole. Into your hands.

Regardless, a large chest sits in my room under my bed. In that chest is a variety of letters, all of which are meant for you. If It wasn't for my cowardice you would get letters from me far more often. This very letter may end up being an addition to that chest if I find myself once again chickening out on sending this to you. It's likely that I will, I've never been quite as brave as you, have I?

That being said I noticed something about the first letter I never sent. I asked how Katara was and how your parents were doing. Yet I never asked how you were doing in any letter sent out to the South Pole or kept here in the confines of the estate. Deep down, it's likely I'm scared of the answer. Too scared to know and accept that you're hurt and there isn't a damn thing I could do to change that for you. I've tried to understand it and accept that the best thing to do is give you space. But I just can't seem to find in me to let you go.

I could lie and say that I didn't ask because it's none of my buisness, but that wouldn't make sense would it? You're my bestfriend, the only girl friend I've ever had. It became my buisness all those years ago when I betrayed my father to help you defeat Amon and the Equalists. Even more so on that day I took you driving for the first time. Do you remember that amazing talk we had?

The one that smoothed out all the troubles of that past year and confirmed the start of our friendship as well as the end of our rivalry. I think about that moment alot, everything is so different now, You've changed. Not that Mako, Bolin, or even I haven't. It's not even the fact that it's a bad change, in actuality it's a really good change.

The kind of change I wasn't aware people could make in themselves before you proved me wrong. You've grown to be more compassionate, patient, caring, and much more. Was it worth it? The pain, the trauma? You can be honest with me, I'd understand if you were hesitant to say it was.

All those years ago I could ask you how you were doing and I would know you were doing fine. I never worried about you because you were a ray of light in even the darkest of points of our struggles and fights. Sure, maybe Raiko had done something to piss you off or maybe you had a bad day. But you were generally happy, and healthy, and you were here in the city with us.

All that's different now, everytime I looked at you after the accident all I saw were your eyes. Those beautiful eyes that once held experiences of multiple lifetimes. Yet you've already had to go through more pain than most of them combined. How could you not be sad? How could it suprise me that you went to the South Pole? We know each other better than anyone and I know you would never willingly let people see you like that. That's why this must be so difficult for you, maybe even why you won't even let me visit in the first place. Was it the reason you even thought of running home in the first place?

You can't lie to me and we both know that. You hated that compound, the one they kept you in for seventeen years to protect you. You told me yourself. You went back there because you're so damn stubborn you'd rather suffer in silence than ask for help and I hate you for it. That's a lie, I could never hate you Korra. I loathe the situation, the fact that Mako and Bolin are blind in ways that I simply don't find myself relating when it comes to you.

Mako and Bolin, I love them but they're naive. They don't get us the way we get eachother. Did we always understand one another like this? The other day I was trying to remember just when it clicked. The moment I could read your annoyance in the form of a blank face from across the room, or when I could tell if you were upset or had simply lost your train of thought just by the sound of your answer when someone called your name repeatedly in an attempt to snap you out of a blanken daze.

One day I might be able to say it happened that day you saved me from being impaled by Varrick's dart, or when you almost crashed my Sato-Mobile, or that day in the Si Wong Desert where we worked like a well-oiled machine together. Is that right? Did it happen all at once? Can you fall in love with someone in a single moment? Or is it the accumulation of every single little detail that proves that this person was made for you?

Wow, "love". It's a strong word and one I don't use lightly. In fact, I've only ever told two people I loved them. My mom and my dad- we both know how that went. One is dead and the other in prison. I think maybe that's why I'm scared to tell you how I feel, there's a chance you'd leave. A big chance if we're being brutally honest. I've already lost so many people. They left or died and there was nothing anyone could do to prevent that. This time I'm in control, my actions decide what happens. I almost lost you once and I can't do it again.

But I think I love you Korra. And I know that I shouldn't.

That being said, if writing letters I know I'll never send aids in dulling the pain of your absence I'll do it. Not because it makes me feel better, rather I know it's the right thing to do. What good would telling you do? Especially right now? You're healing and you don't need one more awful, confusing thing to think about. What kind of friend would I be springing something like that on you?

Maybe the type of friend who doesn't want to be just friends... No, the choices and outcomes are simple. I can write you a letter and wait for you to reject me and possibly never come back to Republic City. Although, maybe you wouldn't reject me. Maybe you feel the same way, but what are the chances of that?

I could do that, risk everything our friendship. Possibly our friendships with Mako and Bolin as well simply for my own conflicting feelings. Or I can play it safe, keep you at arm's distance. I can love you as a friend even if I wish we were more. I can still be there for you, I have to. It's that or losing you forever.

If i'm being honest it's easier not to tell you. For my sake and yours. I'm messy and maybe you are too but you're dealing with your own mess and you shouldn't have to deal with mine too. This can wait, it has to wait.

Just a few more weeks right? You'll be back soon? It's been just over two months and I miss you Korra. When all of this is over and it's just us and the gang then I won't have an excuse. I hope you'll be okay, deep down I know you will, you're strong. Stronger than me and stronger than anyone I know. Whatever happens it's worth the wait. You're worth the wait.

Love, Asami.