martyrs & maniacs. | tbz jujae

1O.

Juyeon limps his way downstairs, where a decent amount of people are still partying. He spots Younghoon who offers him a cigarette from afar, but Juyeon rejects him, opting to sit on the vacant couch instead and mindlessly watch one of the Xbox games Haknyeon and Sunwoo are playing (Roblox, really?). They're surprisingly still awake. And not home.

His eyes may be watching Haknyeon's character jump through rainbow tiles, but his mind is wandering far away. It's ridiculous how he magically and instantly sobered up when he heard Hyunjae confess to him, but it's even more ridiculous when he finally processed the boy's words.

Holy shit.

He didn't expect it at all. Never. And he didn't intend for it to happen. In fact, none of the things he just did weren't intentional. Juyeon didn't plan on giving Hyunjae an unusual compliment. He didn't plan to go all the way down on his fucking best friend. He didn't plan on leaving him alone just a few minutes after making him cum in a room that is not even theirs.

But what can he do? Juyeon never expected that Hyunjae likes- wait, no, loves him. Sure, he notices that Hyunjae clings to him more than he clings to any of their friends, he notices his lingering gazes, but that's what best bros do, right? It's normal for best friends to hug each other and cling to each other whenever they have the chance, right?

Right.

Juyeon slaps his forehead, earning a confused look from Jacob who is now seated beside him, also watching the younger ones play.

How can Juyeon be so stupid and dense? Best bros don't just pinch each other's cheeks, Hyunjae was hinting that he likes him since a long time ago! And his words- God, Juyeon might as well be a rock with how dense he is.

But what is he supposed to do? It's not like he can reciprocate the older's feelings. Juyeon is confident that every Eros type of love in his body is still dedicated to Chanhee. Because he can't just move on from a three-year-long boyfriend that quick.

Suddenly Juyeon is wide awake. He doesn't know how to face Hyunjae later, or tomorrow, or even make amends with him. Not with how he left the other in the room alone after almost having sex with him. It would've been easier if he liked Hyunjae back, so he can easily say that hey, I'm sorry for what I did but I like you too like what he sees in those romance films but it's not. Deep inside, Juyeon knows that his heart still belongs to Chanhee and he wants to fucking hurt himself for that. He wants to make up with Hyunjae. He doesn't want their friendship to be broken just because of a one-sided crush. But what can he do?

He stands up and walks to the kitchen. Maybe Younghoon has something in his fridge that can help ease the headache that Juyeon is feeling.

But going there was a horrible decision.

Juyeon expected to see a dirty kitchen. Not him.

"Chanhee." Juyeon's mouth opened before his brain could even tell him not to. "What are you doing here?"

The blonde, dressed in one of his white crop tops and ripped jeans, brings down the bottle of alcohol he is holding and looks at him. "Juyeon." He calls his name, the ends of his lips rising to give him a bright smile. "Younghoon-hyung's brother invited me."

Goddamn it, Sunwoo.

Juyeon tries to nod as if he's unaffected. "I'll leave you alone then."

"Wait, Juyeon!"

Fuck.

Juyeon can feel Chanhee's arms wrap around his body. He can feel Chanhee's breath on the nape of his neck. He can feel his own breathing quicken. Fuck.

"I missed you." Despite Sunwoo's defeated shouting in the living room, Juyeon can still hear the blonde's hushed words. "So much."

Juyeon gulps. "I thought you were tired of me?"

"Listen, baby. Can we talk?"

Juyeon finds himself facing Chanhee, his back slammed against the kitchen wall. His mind is a raging mess right now, thoughts and questions filling every corner, from Hyunjae's sudden confession to the endless possibilities of what this talk with Chanhee will bring.

There's a safe distance between them, thank God, and Juyeon tries to not let himself look vulnerable in front of the reason why he is suffering now. His eyebrows furrowed when Chanhee's eyes start to water, and Juyeon can feel that same guilting feeling come back.

"Juyeon, I'm so sorry. I didn't know what got into me that made me end things with you. I didn't know, I swear. And now I regret it so bad."

"Ba- Chanhee, I don't think I can do this again." A voice in Juyeon's head is telling him to go, and that's what he tries to do. Leaving seems to be the most optimal choice right now but unfortunately, Chanhee isn't letting him.

The blonde tugs on his arm and pushes him back against the wall. "What happened back then was a mistake. I didn't know any better."

"I- I don't know. Please, leave me alone."

Juyeon would be lying if he said that he doesn't feel anything for Chanhee anymore. The feelings are still there, but is it worth it? His friends have long since told him about the heartbreak that comes with continuing the relationship with Chanhee. Juyeon already experienced what that heartbreak felt like. He has always been the forgiving one. Maybe this time it's his turn to say no.

"Don't you still love me? Juyeon, I know I am still in your heart! What's making you reject me all of a sudden?" Chanhee gently holds one of Juyeon's hands and puts it on his cheek. It feels damp because of the nonstop streaming of tears. Chanhee looks at him with so much love in his eyes that Juyeon feels like he's about to go insane. "I only did it because I was in need of some company. You don't know how much pain I am in because of what happened. Every day, I blame myself for hurting your feelings. Why can't you understand that?"

Chanhee's hands land on his chest, one of them slowly travelling to his arm and lazily rubbing random shapes there. Juyeon looks at Chanhee, who is always so pretty and so entrancing. Chanhee, who holds a place dear to Juyeon's heart. Chanhee, who now brought Juyeon's thumb in his mouth, making Juyeon's breath hitch.

Say no. Leave.

"I don't know what will happen to me if I don't get you back."

Juyeon is a simple man. Yes he's a bit sober now, but he still drank a lot of alcohol. And when your insanely attractive ex is in front of you, wanting to take you back while his hands travel all over your body, all of your morals and the voices in your head saying don't do it are immediately thrown out of the window.

"I don't want this." The last principled part of his mind says.

Chanhee walks closer. "I know you want this. And you can have this."

Juyeon, say no.

His mind flashes back to the day they met, to Juyeon's word vomit during his confession, to their first date, to the first time they were alone behind closed bedroom doors, to the times Juyeon were left alone in various restaurants, to the time he saw the sight in the kitchen that broke his heart, to the time they kissed only for Chanhee to end things.

Chanhee's lips hover over his own and Juyeon swears he momentarily saw Hyunjae instead of the boy in front of him. The blonde's hands cup his face and that's when Juyeon knew that he lost.

No.

Juyeon pulls the younger boy closer to him, sealing the distance between them with a hungry kiss.

He's drunk and Chanhee is right there for him to hold and enjoy again. The situation is completely helpless.

How can Juyeon possibly say no?

♡

From: present hyung (1:14 AM)
hey. i'm really sorry about what i did earlier. i shouldn't have confessed that way, especially when you were in a bad state. is it okay if we talk later?