martyrs & maniacs. | tbz jujae

16.

It's déjà vu.

A rainy Saturday night. A restaurant too crowded for a small place at such a late time. A cold place, air conditioner blasting on its highest temperature. A forgotten jacket. A waiting heart.

If Juyeon is being honest, he already expected this. Even with the good treatment he had experienced, he knew that this day will still come, whether it was intentional or not. But still, he hoped that his intuition was wrong, that everything had already changed for good and for the better, that he will never be stood up again.

Stupid.

It's slightly ludicrous, honestly, that all it took for that streak of picture-perfect relationship to break is a single word.

Successfully saying no has never been one of Juyeon's greatest skills. He was a doormat, a push over, like what his friends say. So he knew that the night he rejected what Chanhee wanted (which is a sexual advance, making it ten times worse), there is going to be a shift in how the younger treats him. He didn't expect that change to be huge, though.

Regret washes over him whenever he looks at the read sign on his messages. Chanhee knows that he's been looking for him; asking for his presence for their supposed date, but the younger chooses to ignore it.

Juyeon shouldn't have said no that night.

Why do I keep ruining every good thing that I have?

He's aware that the staff of the restaurant are looking at him with pity, because of fucking course they would. This place is Chanhee's favorite — favorite to dine, favorite to leave him alone. And he hates this feeling the most. The feeling of being left alone because he made a mistake. The feeling of receiving the repercussions of his idiocy head-on.

Stupid, stupid.

Suddenly there's a jacket being thrown on his lap, and Juyeon quickly looks up.

"This place really needs to tone it down with their air conditioner."

It feels like cold water ran down his spine. "Hyung." He breathes out.

It's really just like before. The person in front of him is in a white polo and black and gold cardigan, lips curving into that familiar charming smile. The only thing different was that blonde strands now occupied his then-fawn colored hair.

Hyunjae awkwardly motions to the seat beside him, silently asking him if he can take a seat to which Juyeon immediately nodded.

"Long time no talk... I guess."

It's obvious that the older boy is uncomfortable with the awkwardness lingering in the air, and Juyeon would be lying if he says he hadn't felt it too. Why wouldn't they? The last time they actually talked to each other face to face was months ago, back in the muted yellow walls of Younghoon's household, when their foreheads were slicked with sweat and their cheeks were painted a shameful color of red.

Juyeon is fidgeting underneath the table, trying to find the right words to say. He has a lot of things he wants to voice out and yet nothing is coming out of his mouth.

The two of them just let the unnecessarily loud chattering of the other table to overtake the silence surrounding them.

Should he say anything? Should he wait for the other to say something? What should they talk about? School? Club meetings? The new popular TV drama? Them?

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry."

Is what Juyeon's train of thoughts ended up with. He immediately locks eyes with the other, mirroring the shock and confusion visible in his eyes. They stay like that for a while, both sides unable to find the strength to add something to their... apologies, and Hyunjae laughs.

Juyeon can feel something weird stir inside him the moment he finally heard Hyunjae's laughter after months.

He joins him in chuckling, thankful that the ice walls are slowly melting as each second passes by.

Hyunjae finally stops. Then sighs. "I'm really sorry for disappearing for such a long time."

Juyeon is quick to shake his head. "No, please don't apologise. Everything is my fault and—" A hand puts itself in front of his face, and the older boy merely gives him a smile, as if saying that let me finish first.

"Everything I had said to you before was true. I like you, I love you, I wish to be with you. I won't deny everything, won't tell you that I'd already moved on either because really, there's no point in doing that when the answer is still obvious."

Juyeon can see Hyunjae shiver from time to time, and he has the sudden urge to interrupt him just so he can drape his jacket on his shoulders.

"I was hurt, so I put some space. And then I learned to accept it since there's nothing I could do. But here's the part I hated the most for doing: I still kept my distance." Hyunjae puts one hand inside his cardigan sleeves. "Really stupid, I know. I'm already okay yet I still stayed away. It was really unfair for you because I kept you in the dark, alone and probably in even more despair because who even expected their friend to suddenly confess to them after a blowjob?" He chuckles at the absurdity of the last sentence.

"What you did was understandable, though." Juyeon intervenes. "I should've handled the whole... thing properly. I shouldn't have just abandoned you like that."

Hyunjae chuckles again. "I guess there were mistakes on both sides."

"No, hyung. It really isn't your fault." He argues.

It really isn't, he wants to shout. All the blame should be on him, on Lee Juyeon only, because that's what he does best: make mistakes and hurt everyone around him in the process.

And then there's a cold object holding onto his wrist, and Juyeon realizes that it is the other hand that Hyunjae didn't put in his sleeve. His hands are itching all of a sudden to wrap themselves around it. "Why do you insist on putting the blame only to yourself?" The older boy asks softly.

"Because that's what—"

"You don't have to be the one always in the wrong. I acknowledge my mistake; I'm not going to be mad that you know I made one. That's just... toxic."

The sounds produced by the AC suddenly becomes weaker, and Juyeon reckons that the restaurant staff finally realized the Antarctic-like state of the place and slightly toned down the temperature. Hyunjae ends up pulling out his hidden hand as a result.

"So," Juyeon starts, voice suddenly becoming shyer than it already was. "Friends?"

A smile is what he sees first after looking up. "We never stopped being one."