martyrs & maniacs. | tbz jujae

23.

The past few days have been an eye opener for Juyeon. He felt like a character in a novel with the way he went through a rollercoaster of emotions in just a couple of days. If life is a movie, he's probably at the climax now. He's at the most intense and the turning point, and what does a character do once the story reaches its peak? They make a decision.

Juyeon picks the choice to go forward. To move on.

He knows full well that it isn't going to be easy. He has fallen too deep for the man he once thought was in love with him too. Three whole years with Chanhee is going to be difficult to throw away and forget, but for the sake of himself, he's going to try and do it.

And he will succeed. Because Juyeon has been a pushover for as long as he can remember, and he's already tired. He doesn't want to be a weakling anymore, to be easily convinced and manipulated, to be stepped on, to be cheated on, to live his life like a delusional fool. There's only so much a person can take, and Juyeon may have been kind enough to let Chanhee force him to take past his limits, but he still has respect for himself. He still has some pity left for himself.

The first step to going forward is to cut ties with the past. It took a lot of hesitating and doubting, but Juyeon eventually deleted Chanhee's number from his phone. He ignores the calls the younger man gives him, he blocked him in all forms of social media — he's finally closing the door on this certain stage of his life.

He knows it's very mean of him to do; to suddenly ghost Chanhee and not even end their relationship properly, but he's very desperate to remove him from his life as soon as possible. It's okay to be greedy sometimes, right? That sentence repeatedly echoed in his mind in an attempt to reassure himself.

There's something cold being pressed against his cheek, and Juyeon snaps away from his thoughts to find Eunseo pinning the soda can on his face, an irritated look visible on her face. "Are you still taking this or do you want me to pour it all over you?"

"Taking it." Juyeon chuckles. "Thanks."

The blonde girl rolls her eyes. "Whatever."

Juyeon takes one good look at the two people in front of him. Eunseo is observing the diner they are in, mouth occasionally opening to let out a remark or two about whatever interesting she sees, while Younghoon is busy chatting with someone on his phone, pretending to agree with whatever the girl beside him is saying to avoid being punched on the shoulder or pulled by the ear.

Juyeon didn't say anything about what happened the night on Younghoon's birthday for him to drown himself in alcohol, and he's glad that the two of them didn't attempt to ask. Though, he knows that they already have an idea of what happened, thanks to Hyunjae's previous conversation with Eunseo and Juyeon telling them to block Chanhee immediately.

He can tell they're trying to make him feel better, comforted, happy. And it warms his heart to know that his friends are with him in every twist and turns, ups and downs of his love story. He couldn't ask for a better set of friends, because they're perfect the way they are. Unlike what Chanhee said they were.

"Gang, I finally acquired freedom!" Came a shout from the diner's entrance. The three of them did not need to look to know who the owner of the voice was. Instead, Juyeon and Younghoon just laughed while Eunseo bows her head and hides her face in embarrassment.

Hyunjae smilingly walks towards their table, hair disheveled and bag carelessly stuffed with his textbooks. His steps are in sync with the tune being played on the jukebox, the clock that was part of its design telling Juyeon that the older man is ten minutes late.

The blond takes the seat beside him before drinking the smoothie that Eunseo ordered. "Professor Lee wanted to finish the whole topic in one sitting like dude, calm down! The lesson isn't gonna walk away and leave."

"That's why I dropped his subject." Younghoon shrugs. "My time is precious, and I will not spend it on something that I won't use even once after I graduate."

"And that is why Eunseo told me I'm smarter than you."

Younghoon gasps dramatically. "Son Juyeon wouldn't betray me like that!"

"Dumbasses," Eunseo intervenes. "No one is better. Both of you are stupid."

Younghoon and Eunseo have been with him through thick and thin, and Juyeon will never stop saying how grateful he is to have them both in his life. And then, he thinks while throwing a glance at the boy beside him. There's Hyunjae.

Lee Hyunjae, who he just met less than a year ago. Lee Hyunjae, who tends to be loud and hyper and obnoxious most of the time. Lee Hyunjae, who easily made his presence known in Juyeon's life with his silly jokes and soft smiles.

He's someone special, Juyeon thinks, and he knows that he's very grateful to have met such a person like him in his life. He knows he owes Hyunjae so many things, especially when it comes to staying beside him in his most depressing states. From the very start, Hyunjae was there to keep him company — always offering his shoulder for Juyeon to lean on. Hyunjae is his saviour, his solace. He was there for Juyeon when the latter got stood up at the restaurant, when Chanhee broke up with him, when Juyeon was drinking his heart out. Even when feelings developed, the older man still put aside his broken heart in order to accompany Juyeon.

And here's the thing: Juyeon is determined to move on and forget the love he has for Chanhee as soon as possible, but he will not take advantage of Hyunjae's feelings for him. Hyunjae deserves better than being a rebound. Juyeon would rather hurt himself than put his friend in that position.

Juyeon wants to learn how to fall in love with him, yes, but he will not make a move unless he's completely sure that he can reciprocate the man's feelings. Juyeon had already experienced what it feels like to think that someone loves you back when in fact they don't, and Juyeon treasures Hyunjae too much to make him go through what he experienced with Chanhee.

For now, he will deal with everything slowly. Take baby steps, like what other people say.