martyrs & maniacs. | tbz jujae

14.

The messages never came.

Hyunjae answering his messages was never considered progress after all. Not when the older boy remained silent despite the number of texts Juyeon sent after he was finished with Chanhee. The sleeping boy is cuddled up in his chest while Juyeon stares at his phone expectantly. Hours have already passed since their conversation, and it went on to become days, and then those days became weeks.

Time has never been this agonizing.

He's trying, he really is, but it's hard to talk to someone who refuses to talk.

Chanhee had gotten grasped of the situation thanks to an accidental slip of the tongue from Younghoon, and though he didn't know that Hyunjae likes Juyeon, he told his boyfriend that "you should just give up".

"You don't deserve to chase after someone who just keeps running." Juyeon remembers hearing his boyfriend say. "Who is he for you to stress about, anyway?"

Juyeon remembers opening his mouth to answer Chanhee's obviously rhetorical question, but immediately abandons the plan. Who is Hyunjae to him?

Juyeon knows that Hyunjae's a friend; a very dear one at that. If soulmates were really a thing, he would've platonically been Juyeon's. Despite knowing him for only a short time, Hyunjae feels like home to him. He's Juyeon's solace, the person who understands him the most, his shoulder to lean on, the only one who radiates the comforting warmth that Juyeon always yearns to be around with.

Hyunjae is someone special.

"It's been so long since we last met here, hasn't it?"

Another pebble follows the one that Juyeon just threw in the lake, jumping and creating ripples. Eunseo lets out a chuckle when her pebble surpassed Juyeon's.

He looks at her. "It is. What brings you here?"

"Some problems." She answers honestly. She's looking straight ahead, to the light of the moon being reflected on the surface of the lake. "I've been here ever since we started college, every time something bothers me."

"I never knew that."

The girl laughs. "Of course. We stopped hanging out here when we graduated high school, then you got busy with your infatuation with Chanhee, so you never had the chance to learn that I still come back here from time to time."

Juyeon feels a sense of deja vu. He remembers the times when younger him sneaked out to go to this side of the lake, nothing but his bicycle and the moonlight guiding him through the night. He reminisces about the times Eunseo and him spent the whole night talking about their life as they throw pebbles into the water — it started with simple children problems ("my parents grounded me again") then it took a turn towards teenage love ("this boy keeps leaving letters in my locker") and then to more serious topics ("I honestly feel like giving up already").

The lake was the only witness to the thousands of conversations about their woes, but just like everything else, their nightly meet ups proceeded to fade away as they grew older.

But Juyeon remembered how calming being in this place was, and though there was no Eunseo to sit beside him, he figured heading back to the lake would help him clear his mind.

He looks away, ashamed. "I'm sorry."

"What the hell are you sorry for?" His friend snorts. "We're still close friends, we just don't hang out here like we used to. It's alright."

He didn't say anything else. He just nodded as Eunseo throws another rock to the lake. "So why are you here?"

"Some problems." He repeats the other's words from earlier. Eunseo arches a brow. "Everything has been making me clueless lately."

"Elaborate."

Juyeon tells her everything he was thinking about before she arrived; how Chanhee has been unusually sweet with his words ever since they made up, how Chanhee strongly disapproves of him trying to reconcile with Hyunjae, and how the latter has been bugging his mind ever since Younghoon's last party.

Eunseo takes it all in, lets Juyeon finish before she finally shares her thoughts. The first thing she said after Juyeon told her everything is a question: "Do you love Chanhee?"

Juyeon thinks it's a random question.

"I do." He answers immediately. "I know I do."

"What's so special about him?"

Another weird question, but Juyeon answers it anyway. "He's the most beautiful person I have ever seen. He's perfect actually — smart, kind, talented, easily flustered and absolutely adorable. His kisses are always sweet and his hugs are always warm. He always tells me how much he loves me."

"How'd you know that it's love?"

"Love?" He repeats, not sure if he heard the question right. Eunseo merely nods. "I think it was when our paths keep crossing and I keep seeing him do adorable things— I realized that I don't mind looking at him 24/7, that I want him to be with me and take care of me the same way I want him to be beside me forever. Does that... does that make sense?" A nod was what he got in return.

Silence enveloped them again after Juyeon told her his answer. Eunseo has a small smile on her face, but she's looking at him unexplainably. Juyeon can see happiness in her eyes, but also proudness, dismay and pity.

The awkward atmosphere finally breaks after a few more seconds. "I'm sorry."

This time it is Juyeon who snorts. "Suddenly? What for?"

"For being mean to you." The soft tone of her voice isn't unfamiliar for Juyeon at all, but it still caught him by surprise. The way she talked just now is usually reserved for heart-to-heart talks with the people she trusts the most, which, from experience, doesn't happen much, considering how strong she is emotionally.

"Hyunjae told me everything from the start; from his growing feelings towards you until the series of events that happened during the party. And I was very disappointed — I made it very obvious — with how you handled everything, and the disappointment just grew even more when I saw how lost and clueless you became to fix everything." She pauses, then continues to laugh in disbelief. "I always wanted you to end up with him— with Hyunjae, I mean. I always assumed he was going to treat you better and make you happier than Chanhee ever did. So when you chose the other one, I just, I got really upset, you know? I got really bitchier than normal."

"You're really the worst when you're in your full bitch form." Juyeon jokes to ease the tension in the air.

"Asshole." Eunseo laughs. "But in an ironic turn of events, Hyunjae made me realize just how wrong and unreasonable I have become. So that's why I'm here, to say sorry."

"If you really like him, if you're really happy being with him, then who am I to be upset?" Eunseo finally looks at him. She gives him a reassuring pat in the shoulder. "I'm not going to blame you anymore. You're happy with Chanhee and you're doing everything to reconcile with Hyunjae. You're trying your best to fix this complicated life of yours and it makes me proud."

She continues, "To be honest, I'm still skeptical about you two's relationship, but I'll let you handle it on your own. I'll try and talk to Hyunjae to somewhat ease your worries, but you're not the crying little boy I protected by pushing his bullies off the swing anymore. You got this."

"Oh, and one last piece of advice, Leeju?" Juyeon is unable to fight the smile that appeared when he heard Eunseo call him with the nickname Chanhee made for the two of them. "Don't force yourself to settle on something when you're still confused and clueless. Afterall, you can't find or have something if you don't even know what it is at all."

Juyeon doesn't get what she meant by that, but Eunseo is already dusting her pants to leave. And so he grabs her arm and helps himself to get up as well.

"Alright, Sonju."