A Glow Of Happiness

Chapter 26. William & Isa

Isa

It's been two weeks since William and I fought and I've been drowning myself in schoolwork to forget about it. Every single inch of my body and soul wants to run back to him, but I know how unhealthy our relationship is. By trying to help him I just hurt myself, even though all I want is to see him get better. I wish I could help him, I wish he'd let me in, but no matter what it seems like I'm not enough for him. I've been trying to think about anything but him, but no matter how much school work I do, how many hours I spend with Aubrey, and no matter how much I try to keep myself busy, he always comes back to my mind.

William

There's nothing I want more than to run back to her and tell her I can't live without her, but it's only now that she left that I realize just how wrong it is. I've hurt her so much in the last months I don't even know how she stuck by me. I know I need to get better, and get help, but I don't know where to start. The only thing I know is that the next time I face Isa I have to be prepared. Perhaps I need to let her go for real this time.

"You're thinking about her again," Nick's voice gets me out of my head.

"All the time," I sigh.

"Don't you think it's time to talk to her? It's been almost a month," he suggests.

I shake my head side-to-side fiercely.

"I have no idea what to tell her," I admit.

"Tell her how you feel."

"I can't do that if I don't even know how I feel myself. I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life before talking to her," I say sadly.

There's a long silence, and Nick sighs heavily.

"I'm sorry I told her about your mother," he lets out.

"I already told you I forgive you... I understand why you did it. You did what I should have done a long time ago," I admit.

"It wasn't mine to say though," he says.

"I know, but if it wasn't for my stupid self, it might have been the thing that would have kept Isa trying to be with me," I say, pain laced through my words.

Isa

A knock on my dorm room makes me get up from my bed where I was doing homework. When I open the door I see William looking straight at me and I slam the door shut again. He knocks again, but I sit on my bed and ignore it. Seeing him again after a little more than a month makes me feel weird. I want to run to him and kiss him, but at the same time, I want to punch him in the face.

"Open the door Sugar, I beg you," he says from behind the door.

I'm scared of what he came here to say. Scared I won't like his words. I know we need to have an adult conversation, but I don't know if I'm ready yet. I drag my feet to the door and open it again. He enters my room and I sit back down on my bed.

"We need to talk," he says.

I nod, unable to form a proper sentence. I feel a lump in my throat, and my chest feels heavy.

"I'm leaving," he whispers.

His words knock out all the air in my body and makes me light-headed. I stare at my feet and blink as I try to keep the tears in. This hurts like hell.

"That's what you do best anyway," I say bitterly.

"I'm not leaving because I want to Sugar, I'm leaving because I have to," he explains.

"Quit finding excuses," I snap. "That's what you always do; you run away," I say through gritted teeth.

"I'm not running away; I'm leaving because you made me realize I need to get better. I'm going to find help," he says.

I shake my head side-to-side in disbelief. My whole body feels like it's going to shut down.

"You could do it here, I could be there for you while you get better," I whisper.

"Don't you think I've hurt you enough already?" he asks painfully.

I don't answer because he's right. I want to hide and never have to feel anything again. It's too real, too raw, too emotional. This man in front of me, the one I thought was the love of my life, is leaving, and part of me knows he's right to. When he sees I'm not answering him back he comes and sits next to me. He holds me in his arms as I cry for what seems like the hundredth time.

"The first time I saw you; it felt like breathing was easier. You came into my life like a glow of happiness and every time I'd see you it would feel like home. You still make me feel this way, being next to you is like being in a peaceful world. You calm down the storms in my head, and you make everything better around me. Quite honestly I don't think the feelings I have for you will ever fade away, but I need to go," he tells me.

"If I make you feel all those things, and if you make me feel the same, then why would we ever have to be apart? Y-you can't leave me," I stutter.

"It's not an option, I've already got transferred back to my old campus for next semester and I found a new apartment I'll be moving in this summer. Once this semester is over I'm leaving. I need to go and figure myself out, I need to get better. I need to go get help, but there is no way you're coming along for this. I won't be hurting you, or anyone else, more than I already did. I need to do this alone. I'm not getting you deeper into the mess that is my life," he answers.

I pull away from him and look him right into his eyes. I glare at him as frustration takes over me.

"You don't get to decide for me. You do not get to choose for me if I will be part of your healing process," I say.

He sighs loudly.

"Don't make this harder than it already is," he whispers and I see a tear roll down his cheek. "I can't count on you to be my only source of happiness. I have to find happiness in things that have nothing to do with you. Plus, I can't ask you to be in a relationship with me because I don't know how to. I don't know how to open up and let you in, and there is no way I'm asking you to fix me because that is not your job. You are my glow of happiness, but you can't be the only one."

My cries are silent, and tears are falling down, and my hands are shaking as I look at the man I love getting further and further away from me with every word.

"What's wrong with me being your happiness?" I ask even though I know everything about that is wrong.

"I need to find happiness within myself and while I do that..." he pauses, "while I get better..." he sighs loudly. "I could be selfish and hypocrite and ask you to wait for me, but I won't. I will try to be selfless and let you move on. This is it, this is me finally letting you go."

He kisses my lips tenderly before getting up. He slowly walks to the door and as a final and desperate try to make him stay I run to him and hug him.

"I'm in love with you," I say.

I know it's selfish, I know saying those words right now is probably the worst timing ever. I know he's trying to do the right thing, but it's too hard for me. And so the words slip out of my mouth as I hold onto him for life. I can't even dare to look at him, but at least he's hugging me back.

"I'm in love with you, and I forever will," he whispers.

And before I know itthe warmth of his body is gone and I'm left alone in my room as heavy sobs takeover me. And as his words play on repeat in my head I realize there's nothingmore painful and devastating than two people madly in love but far apart.Because every inch of my body and soul will forever belong to him, but willnever again be with him. 

The End