Blinded by the Dark | General Hux

XXXII

Amelia sat up in the night after being startled awake by her own thoughts, a dream...nightmare. Silly, she knew that but with all that had recently happened she was more and more on edge, always fearing the worst, allowing herself to get carried away.

And tonight was no exception. Her fears were always centred around one thing, one person's safety and now they were invading the night as well as every waking moment. Armitage was her priority, the thing she feared losing the most, being taken from her out of spite and anger by her own master. She didn't know how much longer she could protect him, to what extent he would be threatened: Ren was more powerful than her, she knew it. More focussed, more driven, willing to go to any length to ensure her undivided attention to her training. If he killed Armitage, which was entirely possible given, well, everything, what could she do? How could she live her life knowing she failed him? Live a life of loneliness and isolation, following what her master wanted her to do, the life he had chosen for her. 

Admittedly she hadn't even seen him since he had found about about them and he seemed to be keeping his distance, hopefully knowing how easily he could lash out and so trying to stay calm. But there was no way to tell. 

Sitting up in bed thinking about this she suddenly felt a strong urge to be sick, clearly the stress, the nerves but it was urgent, rising in her chest as she rushed to the bathroom, trying not to wake Armitage who remained oblivious. 

It was all so much, too much to process, deal with and manage on her own. Of course she had Hux but it felt like everyone and everything was against her...What could she do? How could she appease everyone while also helping herself? It was draining and she felt terrible and ill all the time...Why couldn't it just be simple? 

She wiped her mouth after hurling up the contents of her stomach and sighed heavily. There was no way she could go back to sleep now so started to get dressed, scraping back her hair and turning her lightsaber in her hands as she contemplated what it really meant to her. 

"Hey..." She turned when Armitage sat up a little, rubbing his eyes then dragging his hand through his hair upon finding her awake. "What're you doing up? Are you alright?" 

"Fine..." she whispered with the weakest of smiles, looking away. "I just can't sleep, I was going to go for a walk." 

"Sure?" 

"Yeah." She walked to his side, running her own hand through his hair as she leant down to kiss him. "Don't worry about me. You go back to sleep, you're tired. I won't be long." 

He eventually nodded as she took his hand momentarily, giving it a reassuring squeeze before turning away to leave. He was worried but knew better than to press her now when she needed space, she needed to be on her own. 

She found herself wandering the halls for some time, just passing by officers and troopers who all shied away from her, wondering to themselves why she was up. She was clearly agitated, frustrated by the way she brushed past people, storming around corners with annoyed sighs. 

In the end she found herself at the training room she had barely been to the last few weeks, maybe even months, running her hand along the platform in the centre and rubbing her stomach where the sick feeling still lingered, churning almost. She took a breath, climbing the stairs and rolling her lightsaber in her hand: cold, smooth almost wrong. It weighted on her like something that didn't belong to her, shouldn't belong to her. That life, that path just seemed...surreal. 

When she released the blade she held it before her, the glow lighting her face, reflecting in her eyes. Her very future lay in that weapon, it stared back at her with malicious intent, glaring almost, ready to infect her if she let it, if she wanted it to.