Blinded by the Dark | General Hux

XXII

The General lay awake in the coldness of his empty room, staring at the ceiling while trying to force himself to drift off, even for just a few hours that would be nice...His insomnia had, of course, been brought on by the absence of a certain presence on the base and was spurred on in every moment by his anxieties of her whereabouts and what care she was being afforded, if any. 

Millicent sat curled up on his chest, watching him blink at the darkness above him, offering a few soft purrs to try and lull him into some kind of comfort - and by extension sleep - but it didn't work. He didn't even mindlessly pet her like he normally did when he was down. 

Work did nothing to staunch the feelings of guilt or constant urge to sleep because he was always distracted, a phenomenon he had never encountered before. It was easy to ignore physical interruptions of officer's questions and things going wrong on the bridge but those that came from he heart were not and it ate away at him in every second. Some of his officers had noticed and sympathised a little, giving him the benefit of the doubt that he would pull through. 

He still worked hard but was becoming distant to his other duties, slowing down the higher rankings of the Order, so far though not enough to alert Snoke who would reprimand him for caring and getting at all involved with her when she was not his priority. Stars know what he'd do if he found out his feelings extended further than just caring about her. 

He threw the covers back, scattering Millicent who jumped down to his feet, and sat for a moment on the side of the bed as he contemplated his insomnia then got up and shuffled over to the bathroom. 

Leaning over the sink he ran a dozen possibilities regarding Amelia's fate in his head, racing through at a million miles an hour and bringing on the beginnings of a headache that would probably last until he could next sleep...so forever or at least that's how it felt. 

He gently splashed some water over his face to try and dampen his thoughts then looked back into the mirror and saw the true extent to which Amelia had taken her toll. If he looked tired normally then now he looked half dead; the bags under his eyes didn't help and he was paler than anything, more so than what could normally be attributed to him. His pride in himself had been completely stripped away in favour of her and left him dishevelled and ill-looking. Weak, just like his father always said. 

"I think there's still some pride in you," 

He looked to the corner of the mirror at the sound of her voice, met with smiling eyes and a know-it-all grin that she always bore when she knew better than him, which was always. She folded her arms as she leant against the door, silk cowl shimmering in the light and almost matching the effect in her hair. 

"Lia..." 

"I didn't know we were on nickname terms," She smiled as she walked over but he didn't turn instead watched in the mirror as she laced her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder, standing on her toes and meeting his gaze in the glass. "You're stressed. You look tired." 

"You think?...I can't sleep." 

"I know...but you should try. There's no use moping around in here." 

He could almost feel her breath against his neck and her arms around him but they were the ghosts of touches...nothing. 

"Did I fail you? How can you even stand to look at me when I couldn't save you? When I let you down?" 

"I don't know, did you? What more could you have done?"

"I could have gone after you, stayed by your side the whole time or stopped you fighting." 

"You could but what good would it do? I would never have listened, you know me and you could have been captured instead." 

"Then at least I would know I tried my hardest and you wouldn't hate me."