Beautiful,Beautiful,Beautiful boy

38: Bruises

An: this chapter is eventful. Cutting, regrets, abortion. I'm not in a good mindset right now so the next few chapters will be everywhere.
Please stay safe everyone. Incase no has told you today. I love you, you're important, you're amazing, you're awesome, you're pretty, you're handsome, you're beautiful, you're gorgeous. Don't let anyone tell you other wise.

         How I ended up with adoption papers in front of me and Bo I don't know. But Hinata now had his older brother. Tsukishima Kei  who gladly took Bokuto's last name. He was five, and already had taken to Bokuto and I. Sure at first he didn't like Bokuto, but now he was calling him papa. We told him he didn't have to, but he wanted to. I'm glade we decided to adopt.

     " Another kid? Are sure Bo? " I sighed rubbing my temples while sitting on our bed
     " Yeah! I've been thinking about having another. Maybe a girl! But Hinata wants an older brother.. Maybe both? Adopt a boy, and try for a girl! " He smiled while laying down next to me.
     " Bo I love you.. But after pushing something the size of a melon out of something the size of dime. I don't think I wanna birth any more kids. It scared me last time with almost loosing Hinata to when we were three months in. What if we loose it, or something else happens, and you have to choose between me and the babe-" I broke down remembering that stupid night again. The outcome that he still didn't know about. It haunted me every day. Both pregnancies had gone wrong. One I lost. The other my body tried to reject at three months.
      " Shh its ok baby owl, it's all ok. We'll adopt if that's what you want" He held me close stroking my wings softly to calm me.

    And that's what we did.
    " Tsuki this is Hinata.. Your younger brother.. " I held Bokuto's hand tightly hoping they would react well. Tsuki knew he was going to have a younger sibling. And he was ok with it.
     " BIG BUBBY! " Hinata ran over hugging the older crow. Yes crow. We wanted Hinata to have one crow as family besides my grandma.
     " Hey little bubby" Tsuki looked down at the ginger. Hinata took his older brothers hand dragging him to their room. I let out a sigh seeing everything go well.
        For now at least. It  wasn't till I found myself at the doctors office with a stomach cramps, puking, feeling more tired then ever, and mood swings. That everything changed.
        " You're pregnant congratulations! About a month along, and your baby is healthy. But with your last two pregnancies you are high risk. Your body may react the same with this one. Only it could end differently-" My blood froze. I didn't catch the rest of what she said. Instead I let tears fall silently nodding my head. Once I got out to the car I broke down. I cried. That's all I could do. I didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want what I said to Bo to come true. Yes what I did was sick, but.. I started hoping I'd loose it. I wasn't ready to give birth again. I wasn't ready for a third child. Maybe Bokuto was, but I still couldn't let go what happened during my first pregnancie. I couldn't forget all the blood, the pain, the silent tears I cried. The pain I kept hidden. I wouldn't let that go. I didn't want it to happen again.. Or have my body try and reject them like it did Hinata. But now I had the risk of dying. I had the risk of going. It was selfish of me to choose myself. To pray that this tiny thing wouldn't make it. I'm a monster arnt I? Maybe I should be the one to die if he has to choose. If I go I'll leave him with one last thing to remember me by.  Me or the baby. He'd fight and try to choose me, but I. I would have to tell him to pick the life that hasn't had a chance to actually live.
         I finally arrived home to an empty house. Bokuto had taken the children out with Kags, Taylor, Yams, and the newest germ. As Sakusa calls the group. Cash.
        I imagined the boys running around with there own sister if they had on. Being protective over her. Teaching her about her mother. Helping  Bokuto if he needed it. And I'd watch from beside my own mother. I snapped. I broke. I walked over to the bathroom the knife in my hand. I looked at myself in the mirror. One cut for being selfish. Another for loosing the first baby. The third for falling in love with Bokuto.
        " What have I done! " I cried dropping the knife. I quickly washed the cuts, wrapping them up. I cleaned the knife then hid it. What did I just do? Why? Why did I do it? Why?..     
      "Why did you not want me mommy."  I saw the little girl saying while sitting at a grave stone.
     " Why mommy? I was just a little speck of life who did nothing wrong.. Why didn't you want me? "
     " No! That's not The all-.. I always wanted a little girl-" My words kept getting choked on my a tight feeling in my throat. The feeling of hands slowly adding pressure while they watched me try to reach for my little girl. But another slapped my hand away. Not letting me get to hold her.
        Then I woke up in a cold sweat. It was a dream.. But it portrayed everything so well.  I looked to my side seeing Tsuki snuggled up to Bokuto. Hinata next to his brother holding his hand. The bed would still hold four. But the forth wouldn't be me.