Walking Away

Following.

Raven

Other than the radio, it was quiet. My stomach was in knots waiting for Johnathan's reaction. But he didn't seem to have one.

"You're killing me here." I told him, trying to smile. I didn't feel like smiling. "Say something. Anything. Laugh. Yell. Johnathan, anything." I took a deep breath. "I understand if you want to switch back with Mark. Your grades are important to you."

"They are." Johnathan agreed. "But so are my friends. Like you. And I don't think switching partners would help my grades any."

Seriously? "Did you hear anything I just said?" I know it sounded harsh. But he wasn't listening.

"I heard everything you said." he answered. "And it was awful, how they treated you. You didn't deserve that."

I had expected something derogatory. Polite detachment at the very least. This was somehow worse.

This was too much. My head was going to explode. "Stop that." I snapped. I was panicking. I was so stupid, so broken, that my own father couldn't stand me. I had ruined him. I had made him leave. And now Johnathan was practically apologizing, as if I were the victim here.

"Stop what?" he asked. He was too calm.

"Stop pretending to care about me. Stop being so nice to me. I just gave you the best rumor material in the world. Go use it, go laugh with Mark, mock me, do something but stop doing this." Now I was almost shouting, so confused at his response. "Just walk away." Everyone walks away.

Johnathan shook his head. "I don't think I can do that."

I stood up, pacing around the kitchen. I heard his chair move back as he stood. "Raven?" He sounded concerned.

I shook my head, turning towards him. "Stop. It. You shouldn't be nice to me. You shouldn't even be around me."

"It isn't contagious." Johnathan replied, leaning against the wall.

"It isn't - what kind of answer is that?" I was definitely shouting. I tried to lower my voice. "Say that you're not surprised. Say my dad was right. Say you can't let your sister around a defective idiot." I moved around as I talked, using my hands to emphasize. Suddenly Johnathan stepped forward, grabbing my wrist.

"Sorry." He nodded towards the full sink, which is where my hand had been headed. "I didn't want you to hit that." I turned to check, and finally noticed the collection of knives waiting to be washed. A couple of them were up at an angle. There were some pizza cutters, too.

That was safe.

I pulled my wrist back. "Thanks."

Johnathan was close, now. I had to look up a little to meet his eyes. "Well?" We were too close. I couldn't breathe quite right. I stepped back a little, waiting. He had to say something.

"Raven, you're," he hesitated. "You are not defective." I started to argue, but he held up a hand. "No. Listen, okay?" His eyes caught mine, clear and focused and full of... something.

I nodded. He could talk. But he wouldn't win this one.

"I understand what you said. And I'm not downplaying it, because that sucks, it does. But it doesn't make you any less intelligent." Johnathan made sure he had my attention before continuing. "Everyone learns differently. Some people are blind, or language delayed, or have a lisp. It doesn't make them any better or worse than the person next to them. It's just one part of who you are. And you, specifically, are brilliant. You're one of the smartest people I know, but even if you weren't, I would still want to work with you. Because you aren't just smart, Raven. You're creative, and dedicated, and unique. And I wouldn't ever consider saying those horrible things to you because they wouldn't be true. I won't complain about switching partners because I wanted to work with you on this. I still do."

Johnathan smiled, like he was letting me in on a joke. "Following?"

My voice wouldn't work right. It sounded strange. "Following."

We let the tension diffuse a bit, settling back down at the table.

 "So," Johnathan started. "I think we have all the information we need. Is it okay if I keep typing it up?" he gestured towards my computer.

"Because I can't?" I asked. So much for brilliant.

"Because Ali's still asleep and I'm sort of stalling?" he countered.

Oh. "Um. Well. Sure, then." I nodded, wishing I'd been just a little less defensive.

I read over his notes while he typed. Johnathan had been just as thorough as I had, filling pages and pages with information on the Amistad. He went fast, making me think he had a lot of practice typing.

"Is that why you took back your essay?" the question came out of nowhere.

"Uh, yeah." I answered. "I stayed up all weekend trying to fix it myself. My uncle finally helped me out." I shook my head. "And the sleep deprivation...we both know how that ended up."

Johnathan nodded. It had probably been an interesting experience for him.

"Thank you." I said quietly. It was strange, having him know my secret.

Johnathan stopped typing for a moment, looking at me instead of the screen. "You don't need to thank me."

I didn't know what to do with that. "Still. I've never had...no one's ever been this nice about it. Except my mom, but you know, mom's are like that. They love you know matter what."

"I guess." he sort of mumbled the answer, typing away. I stopped distracting him, knowing by now his focus was clicking in.

Eventually, after I had resorted to playing games of tic-tac-toe with myself (I won), Johnathan stopped typing, taking his hands away from the keyboard and pushing it back. "Done."

"Impressive." I remarked. He was like, super speed typing over there. It would have taken me pretty much all day. I fidgeted a bit with my pencil. "Are you going to tell him?"

"Tell who?" Johnathan asked.

"Mark." He gave me a questioning look. "About me." I clarified.

"Oh. No." Johnathan leaned against the back of the chair. "But you should. He'd be supportive."

"I don't..." I trailed off. "Not yet."

Johnathan stood up. "I guess I should wake Ali up." I followed him out of the kitchen.

"Why is she so tired?" Maybe it had been field day at school.

"She had a nightmare last night and couldn't get back to sleep. I was reading to her all night."

"Oh." I stopped him from opening the door to the guest room. "Then maybe just let her sleep for a while? Unless you have to get home."

Johnathan smiled gratefully. "No, I don't. But I don't want to overstay my welcome."

I shook my head. "Impossible. Come on, we can watch a movie."

I let him choose, surprised to see that he chose Now You See Me 2. It was one of my favorites.

When it ended, I put in a new one. It was a movie my mom liked, based on Cinderella. Johnathan fell asleep halfway through.

I threw a blanket on top of him. It wasn't surprising - if he'd been reading to Ali all night, then he couldn't have gotten much sleep. I stayed quiet, watching the main character face a group of gypsies.

I didn't make it to the end credits before I fell asleep too.