Walking Away

Talk To Me

Johnathan

"Please talk to me."

Raven was easy to read. She had always been an open book, the easiest thing in the world to decipher. And right now she was sincere. More than that, she was listening.

Honestly, I'm not sure what to say when people are listening. But strangely enough I wanted to talk to her. I needed her to understand.

"Uh - okay. Um," I tried to sort my thoughts. "I don't think I know how to do this."

"Talk?" Raven asked.

"Talk about me." I explained. She nodded, her dark eyes understanding in a way I wished they weren't.

She had really pretty eyes. I sent that thought away. Now is not the time. "What, uh," I cleared my throat. "What do you want to know?"

"Honestly?" I nodded. Honest is good. "Everything." Raven smiled a little. "If you talk, I'll listen."

Everything. I'm not sure I can actually articulate everything. But I can try.

After all, this is Raven.

"When I was little, I used to do the chores around the house." I started. "And I figured that was normal. Everyone gets chores. But then the list of chores got longer. And I was never allowed to mess anything up. It was difficult, but not impossible. I was the only one who got chores at all, but at that point I didn't mind. I thought that if I could get it right than everyone would be happy. I just never did...get it right." I faltered, but kept going. I didn't look at Raven.

"Sometimes she wouldn't notice. But then Carmen would tell her." I went quiet for a second, remembering.

"Carmen?" Raven asked me.

"Carmen was my half sister, on my dad's side. She was two years older than me. And she didn't like me very much. She thought it was funny when I got in trouble, so she helped that along when she could." I explained.

"Back then, when I didn't do something right, then I would then be unfit to eat at her table. That usually meant that I didn't eat. There were entire summers I almost starved. So I got used to skipping meals. I got used to disappointing her and disappointing myself. Then when I was seven Ali was born." I smiled at the memory. "My father, and Ali's, left the day after. He took Carmen with him, but he left me. I didn't care - I had a new baby sister to take care of."

Maybe I had cared a little.

I risked a glance at Raven. Somehow she looked sad and happy at the same time.

"I basically raised Ali. After her father left, my - uh, Meredith," I stumbled, remembering that she had denied me as her son. "Didn't like to be with either of us. But Ali was so young that I tried to protect her. Kenny helped a lot, and Ali and Kate have pretty much known each other since birth." I steered away from that part. Kenny's story was his to tell.

"When she realized I was trying to protect Ali, she got mad. The insults got worse. Every conversation focused on my failures as a person. Every mistake was a huge deal. Every word I said had to be carefully chosen to avoid the worst of it. Eventually I got so used to monitoring everything that I did it automatically." I noticed Raven frown. "It wasn't so bad. When I was twelve, she started going on business trips. Sometimes she wouldn't come back for a month. Most times it was just over a week."

"I guess I hadn't realized how bad it had become." I took in a breath. "How much I had to do, how much control she had. I never walked away because of Ali, but also because I think that I still believed, just a very small amount, that I could get it right. That I could stop disappointing her." I was wrong.