Luminous • Jisung

48 • Alternatives

I'm still not over the 'GO' era and at this point I feel like I will never be

• Chapter 48 •

Renjun was reluctant. He didn't want to have this conversation - not now, not ever. He had made peace with the fact that he would potentially keep it to himself until the day he died. 

How bothersome it felt to have to explain himself now. 

"When I brought Cho-a home that day, I didn't know about Jaemin and Jeno," he recalled. "Her uncle was still at work, so we were alone. I didn't tell him at first, I thought there was no need to alarm him. Do-hun was always worried about everything. Always overly cautious."

Do-hun made countless sacrifices for the two. He gave up jobs and friends and memories, all for the sake of keeping Renjun and Cho-a safe. 

Even if they weren't related, Renjun had considered Do-hun his family. Not really an uncle, something closer to a father. The father he ended up losing twice. 

"By the time he came home from work, Cho-a still hadn't woken up. She was running a fever, she kept having nightmares, she was in pain." 

As much as he had hated her then, seeing that little girl like this still broke his heart. There was no way to help her. They didn't have anyone to talk to and taking her to a hospital would have been way too high of a risk. 

"I really thought she was going to die," Renjun said, voice daring to break at the end of his sentence. He was almost whispering with that lump in his throat. 

There was no use in getting worked up about it now. However, he had never talked to anyone about it before and after Do-hun died, he was the only one that knew. 

It felt heavy. 

Renjun's eyes stumbled over to Kun. Yet again someone that became like family. 

"She was unconscious for days. Her fever didn't go down until she finally woke up." 

Talking about it like this made it sound so short when, in reality, it had felt like an eternity. 

"I told Do-hun what happened and shortly after that, we found out about Jeno and Jaemin. Once Cho-a was doing better, we moved. Do-hun said it was safer that way." 

Kun and Jisung were both surprised by that. Whereas Jisung didn't know much in the first place though, Kun felt almost disappointed. Disappointed in himself for not knowing something so crucial when he tried his best to be there for the kids. 

It didn't go unnoticed - his sadness or disappointment. And also Jisung's torn fidgeting was obvious. 

So, after looking at both of them briefly, his eyes got stuck on Jisung
"I am sorry for not telling you earlier," Renjun admitted earnestly. "But I don't regret keeping it from Cho-a." 

The room fell into an uncomfortably tense silence. 

Jisung nodded, his motions so small that Renjun barely noticed him move at all. 

Taking a deep breath, Renjun looked down. He seemed frustrated when he pushed out a short laugh. It was full of disbelief and echoed unnervingly. 

"Cho-a wanted to make them feel better because they were scared?" he questioned bitterly. "I know we can't understand it because we don't feel their emotions the way she does. But don't you think almost every dying soul is scared or sad?" 

Probably, Jisung thought, yet didn't say anything. 

"The way she distances herself from it now and how she handles these feelings isn't ideal, I admit that. She almost views them as an inconvenience," he said. "But what would have been the alternative?"