My Time

3 ~ Feelings

Kageyama's Pov.

His soft orange hair, perky as always. That grin, that lights up the world. Fuck. I was falling, and I was falling hard. 

"BAKAYAMA!"

"Boke Hinata Boke!"

"Blehhhhhh" Hinata stuck out his tongue at Kageyama. 

What do I see in this dork? God...whatever...ugh....get out of my head...

After practice. 

"Oi, boke do you want some meat buns?"

Hinata tilted his head sideways, cocking it with confusion. 

"E-eh...bakayama...? Why?" 

"S-shut up! You're just too skinny..." 

Hinata grinned ear to ear, making his way close to Kageyama. 

"Is the bakayama really worried about me? Wow! What a surprised~" Hinata cooed and teased the raven-haired male. 

"D-do you want to or not?"

Hinata smiled softly, nodding his head. Despite not wanting to eat, he didn't want to disappoint his friend. He agreed because maybe he would feel something. A pit welled in his stomach, as he and Kageyama walked over to Ukai's store to buy some meat buns. 

"Oi, boke, here."

Kageyama tossed a meat bun over to Hinata, who subconsciously spiked it down. 

"BOKE HINATA BOKE!"

"GAHHH BAKEYAMA! DON'T JUST THROW IT AT ME!"

The meat bun went smack onto the ground, causing Kageyama to sigh.

"Whatever, just take mine."

"E-eh...I can't do that bakayama! It's fine...I don't need to eat it!" 

Kageyama scoffed, taking a sip of his milk, before taking a bite out of the meat bun. 

"Don't complain to me later that you want one."

Hinata smiled softly, nodding. "I won't." 

The two boys made their way back towards Hinata's house. Kageyama offered to walk him home and Hinata happily agreed. 

On their way home Hinata smelt the delicious aroma of the meat bun. No Shoyo you can't-...but the meat bun is looking at me funny...like it wants me to eat it! No, Shoyo, you can't! But! No Buts! Hinata let out a whimper, causing Kageyama to turn his head and sigh. He placed the meat bun in front of Hinata. 

"I know you want a bite." 

Hinata's eyes sparkled, as he took a small nibble of the meat bun, taking in the juicy pork and swallowing (heh he swallowed). 

"Hehe, thanks Bakayama!"

"Tch, whatever boke."

Kageyama's cheeks were tinted with a light blush, as Hinata waved goodbye at his door. 

"Bye Bakayama! I hope a bird doesn't poop on you on your way home!" 

"Tch, Well, I hope that uh uh uh the volleyball doesn't hit you in the balls again-" 

(PTSD flashbacks) 

Hinata made his way back into the house chirpily, his mom calling him over for dinner. 

"Shoyo, dinner!"

Usually, Hinata would decline and make up an excuse, but today he felt good, so he complied. 

"Alright! Thank you for the food!"

He stared at the bowl of katsudon in front of him. Wearily, he picked up the chopsticks. He picked up some rice before nibbling on it, chewing it very slowly. Then he took another small bite. He barely touched his food, before smiling and claiming he was done. 

He ran upwards towards his room, slamming the bathroom door. He leant over the toilet, sticking two digits in, vomiting it all up. Again, and again, until he felt empty. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, before getting up and brushing his teeth to get out the scent of vomit. He flushed the toilet and left the washroom groggily. He slumped down onto his bed, eyelids heavy. Why did he eat...why did he. 

I told you, Shoyo. You shouldn't have eaten the meat bun. I know, you're right...I just thought that maybe....maybe what? You'll get less fat? You'll be enough? Well, new flash, Shoyo, you won't be. So suck it up, don't eat anything. 

The compulsory thoughts ran through Hinata's head, telling him how he wasn't enough. He wasn't ever going to be enough. His head rang and pounded, as the voice echoed through his mind. His fingers ran up towards his orange strands, clenching onto them tightly. He ripped and ripped, the strands of hair falling off of his scalp onto his bed. His scalp was bloody and sore. His nails had fresh blood underneath them. He wanted to scream. He wanted to so badly, but he couldn't. He just blankly walked over to his closet, pulling out his blade once again. 

He dug it into his thigh, slicing a nice clean cut. Blood oozed out of the gash, pooling onto his porcelain skin. It stung, burned, it felt...like something. Hinata began to cackle, laughing hysterically at his bloodied thigh. It wasn't enough. He wanted to ruin himself more, but if the team found out, they would know something was wrong. Despite that, he continued to slice, over and over and over again, until his whole thigh was covered with cuts and blood. He was hungry, but he wasn't hungry for food. He was hungry for pain, hungry for the feeling of something. 

He washed his bloodied hands, before wrapping his bloody thigh. He wrapped it up tightly, cutting off circulation for a bit. The pain that surged through him felt amazing, it felt like something. He finally felt something. 

He cleaned his accomplice of a blade and put it back into the closet. He could barely stand, his right leg was throbbing with pain. He limped over to his bed, the blood seeping out of his thigh, staining the fresh bandages. He sighed, eyelids getting droopy. He didn't have the time or energy for this bullshit. Despite that, he couldn't sleep. He stared at the ceiling blankly. His right leg, oozing with blood. His muscles sore and ached from practice. His mouth was dry, stomach empty. He turned to the bedside table, drinking a bottle of water, quenching the feeling of hunger in his stomach. At this point, he didn't even feel it anymore. He was numb. All he felt like was numb. 

He blankly blinked his eyes, as he stared at the ceiling. He knew that he had to do something, anything to feel...something other than just emptiness. Then, he remembered the slight tint of red on Kageyama's face. Hinata smirked, "This will be interesting."