i don't really feel like fighting.

there's too many things left unsaid but none of us can do anything about it.

i'm so lonely lonely lonely and i feel like i'm fading away so i need to grasp onto something real. you're as real as it gets for me. you're the closest thing i have. hey, how was your day?

it was really great, love. how was yours?

to be honest, my day was pretty shit. my days have been shit for a while now. i'm just always so afraid. i'm afraid of everything, and frankly, it's getting quite tiring. i just want to sleep.

oh, are you tired?

yes, so very tired. i'm so tired of my leg shaking without a reason (there's always a fucking reason but it's irrational and so stupid.)

i'm so tired of feeling my heart give out at the sight of people.

it doesn't even make sense, does it? i'm afraid of people? who the fuck is afraid of people?

i'm so tired of the panic attacks and the tears and the burning and the blood. the blood scares me to death, and yet it likes to come out (that's pure shit, no it doesn't, i force it out, just like i do with the "i'm fine"s and "i'm so glad to be here"s when the truth is so far from that. yeah.

why is that?

it's my brain wanting to give up, to be honest. there's no good reason for it. i got 8 hours of sleep yesterday and i woke up with the same bags under my eyes and the same heavy breaths. life doesn't want to get better for me. i'm so tired of waiting around for it. probably didn't get enough sleep.

are you sure you're okay?

no, not really. i haven't been okay in a long time. i'm never truly okay, sometimes (only too often) i yearn for a silence i never own because of the voices in my head and the static of loneliness; i am very lonely but i am never truly alone. the voices are always there, and i'm starting to get a little bit unsettled; i get the urge to put my hands in boiling water so i can feel them burn, so i can hurt; the breath leaves my lungs at the most random of times and i scream a lot; they would get scared. if i told people how i really am, i would scare them away, and i have lost way too many to do that. instead i keep it inside like i am doing right now and i tell them i'm okay.

okay. well then, i'll let you get some rest.

i don't ever rest. my head is too loud and the thoughts are too fast and my feelings are too intense and they don't let me breathe. i can't breathe. night.