i don't really feel like fighting.

new year's resolution.

for the past three years, i have made the same new year's resolution. "just don't hurt yourself," i say, and i feel like i can do it every time. i tell my friends that this is really the chance and that i'm finally over. but my brain is dysfunctional. i once heard that hurting yourself is a serious thing -- that the thing that makes you feel better in your darkest hour should never be squeezing out your own blood, carving your problems into a permanent scar. i don't think it's that big of a deal, and my only issue is that i can't seem to outrun it. i get to the end of the street and i'm ready, i am, to start again in the sun, but my brain puts one foot in front of the other and then i'm back here again. in these walls, these walls covered in my blood. my blood. it fell onto the floor and i panicked. it wouldn't stop coming and i panicked. i couldn't move my hand and i panicked. in that show -- she talks about suicide as cowardice. when he flips over her wrist and asks why she does what she does, she tells him the truth: "this is what you do instead of killing yourself." and that's the thing. at least if i'm cleaning my blood off the shower tiles i am breathing. at least if i'm changing my sheets and hoping no one notices i am breathing. at least if i'm wishing i could just stop and get over this i am breathing. at least if my parents are threatening me i am breathing. my old therapist told me not to feel guilty because this was my temporary solution and that was why i didn't seek a permanent one. while it wasn't good advice to give me, it did make me realize that my bleeding -- my hurting -- was the thing that kept me going. those months when i woke up every day and thought it would be my last day alive, it helped me keep going. it's been three -- maybe four -- years since i started. i now can't remember my arms without the scars. the year before last, i almost made it to six months. that's the longest i've gone in all this time without the pain. the year before last i would hurt myself roughly every three months. the year before that i think it was every three weeks. last year i had maybe five or six periods of relapse, every six weeks or so. but then it got bad again. it became an every day for me, sometimes more than once. i'm not proud of that. i basically knew it was coming though. i haven't really had much help. i've stopped telling my friends when i relapse because i can't bear to see their disappointment. but this year, my new year's resolution is to make it until tomorrow. every day, make it until tomorrow without hurting myself. then the next, until tomorrow. eventually, i might make it to six months. please remind me in june.