i don't really feel like fighting.

nightlight.

i take my nightlight out

and the next night, i'm too scared to turn the light off

so when i do, i stand in the middle of my room and it is just

pitch black

i sit on my bed with my back against the wall

i look around at this life i cannot see

i know it is there, but it's all just empty space to me

and there is a patch of light on the wall from the night outside my window

i put my hand into it

and i make a shadow

and i think of that line -- "my shadow falls as evidence of sunlight"

and that sabrina benaim poem where she ends it by

saying she knows the bell inside of her will ring again

and i think of how i wrote "right now, i cannot see a day where i wake up and

i do not think about killing myself, but i believe it is there"

and how i couldn't write the rest of the poem.