i don't really feel like fighting.

truths about myself because i thought you should know (i wanted you to know).

i am writing this because i knew you'd listen. i know you didn't ask me but here i am confessing as if i'm talking to god. i haven't done that in a while. i doubt god would listen anyway since i'm covered in sins. SELF- MUTILATION IS A SIN so they say. i said i'd be clean and i wouldn't stress over the small things... well i lied. i've been lying and trying to wipe the stains off my lips but it's not that simple. when you ask me to reveal myself, i can't just trust you to reach inside my chest and take what you need. i feel like you'll be greedy. not because of you, that's irrational, but because people seem to like to take more than what's given. I'LL NEVER GET THAT PIECE OF MY HEART BACK. my head feels like someone smashed it with a hammer. maybe i want that. the bottle of bleach seems to be calling me, and the idea of drowning myself in gasoline until nothing can compare to how bright i'll burn is growing more and more appealing. no i don't want to be a star or as beautiful as one but goddammit, i'll burn like one. FALLING IS THE EASY PART. like modern-day icarus, i flew too close to the sun. when you ask me why i haven't eaten, i'll say it's because i wasn't hungry or i felt sick but in fact it's because i just don't want to eat anymore. and you'll say i have to eat something but i don't think it's worth it. i'm exhausted but i don't tell you this so you don't worry. i know you'd worry if i told you the truth. if i told you how much i wish i could do what i would regret. i hope you'd miss me. you always say you never want anything to happen to me. but you don't need to worry because nothing will happen. i'm too scared anyway. i should have warned you not to love me. GOD, WHY DID YOU DO THAT? you probably wouldn't have cared. MY HANDS ARE SHAKING. my skin feels soft but i still think that i'm disgusting. i can hold my tongue for you but i know you want me to be honest. it took me so long not to flinch at your touch. i didn't tell you why. maybe because i was afraid you wouldn't want to deal with my emotional baggage. is that why i smile and hide that my chest is aching? (yes, yes it is). i love myself but sometimes i don't. DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. no one trusts me. but who can blame them? do you expect death to be waiting for you? i do. i guess i just wanted you to know.