i don't really feel like fighting.

well, are you making a plan, or just thinking about it?

the medical history form reads, "ARE YOU CURRENTLY A DANGER TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS?" with a box for yes and a box for no.

☐ yes

☐ no

☐ i want to know what they mean. i want to know what happens if i say yes. what the fuck does danger mean. i'm tapping my fingers on this clipboard. i know my mom wants me to tell her that "i'm fine and i changed my mind about all this." she wants me to tell her that she was right. that this is just all in my head. how great would that be?

☐ am i really a danger to myself? no, i can't be. i just have bad days is all. bad days that end with shaky hands, tears, sharp objects, and a bottle of aspirin that isn't enough but i can't take the stronger stuff because i might do something worse. okay so maybe i'm in denial. but if i tell anyone, they'll worry.

☐ they'll cry and they'll say "why didn't you tell me? why can't you just be honest about your feelings?" if i lie to myself then i'm gonna fucking lie to you too. "this has to stop." they'll say, "it's not fair to anyone that you want to die. you'll hurt a lot of people. that's selfish." it's been twenty minutes and i still haven't answered. my mouth is in my stomach now. my chest hurts. it's just a question. a simple question. okay so yes, apparently i am a danger to others.

☐ i want to tell myself that i don't really need to be here and that i just get sad sometimes. that i'm as healthy and normal as everyone else. so i do.

☐ i check the box and hand over the clipboard.