Out of my League

Chapter Nineteen

I want to tell Harry I'm sorry so badly but it's only been a few hours since the second task and Im afraid I only want to apologize to benefit myself. I mean, I felt horrible when I thought he was dead but something is keeping me upset with him. Probably the fact that he called me stupid and he addressed me with no significance more than 'a girl' so I guess it's fair that I still slightly hate him.

It just makes me question if I ever stopped hating him, or if I was just blinded by his sudden kindness. I'm so vulnerable to any sign of somebody showing interest in me for a reason more than to talk to my brother. I've never had problems making friends because of Oliver being so popular but it also makes me feel like nobody is my real friend. So when somebody displays any real care for me I tend to ignore any red flags about them. It's either that or I just push them away.

It's unexplainable why I struggle so much with showing affection, my parents and brother love me and all. It's not like I was ignored as a child. I just hate feelings, and showing them.

So it's hard for me to tell the difference sometimes, when somebody is just being nice to me or when somebody likes me as a close friend and wants to spend more time with me.

I've been spending time by the fire for the past few hours writing in the book. I never knew how much I took the warm fire for granted until I was unwillingly put at the bottom of the Black Lake in the freezing cold weather.

"Oi! Kennedy!" Seamus shouts while walking through the portrait hole.

"Hi Seamus, something you have to tell me?" I assume based on his tone.

"Yes, Oliver. He's looking for you, he said it was a bit urgent." He seems clueless to the reason why Oliver is asking for me but I begin to get a pit on my stomach.

"Oh ok. Where did he say he was?" I ask while standing up and fixing my skirt. I haven't had time to change out of my uniform yet.

"He said he was going to the pitch." He informs me.

I assume that means it's rather important. He says he likes going to the pitch when he's stressed or just in a bad mood. He sits in the bleachers for hours, thinking. I should probably do that. I bet it would help me accept my feelings more easily.

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Hesitantly, I approach Oliver who has his head in his hands while sitting on the wooden bleacher.

I clear my throat to make him aware of my presence. "Seamus told me to come." I say quietly.

"Yeah." He mumbles while picking his head up and making sure to look the other way. He takes in a large breath through his nose and I can tell he's been crying. I can't possibly begin to imagine what could be that bad but I let my head fill with all of the worst possible situations.

"Could you tell me what happened?" I eventually ask.

"I can't believe that I'm the one who has to tell you this." He begins while finally looking me in the eye.

Tell me what?

"There's been an outbreak of the black cat flu, which is deadly as you know. Essentially, they don't have a cure yet and." He pauses and looks down. "And they're not going to have one anytime soon." He finishes.

"Oh, that's terrible. Do you know someone who's got it?" I ask, assuming that's why he's so upset.

"Yeah I do." He begins tapping his foot anxiously "You know someone too... uhm how do I say this without completely crushing you? Listen, mum has caught it-"

"But, she's healthy. She tries so hard to stay fit so she can live a long life." I swallow the lump in my throat and try to continue but he talks first.

"There's a chance that she'll heal on her own. Luckily like you said, she's healthy so she does have a better chance of surviving but we can't predict the future."

This isn't fair, what did we do to deserve this? What did my mother ever do to deserve this? I need to do something but there's is nothing I can do. All I can do is wait around while my mother is dying and drive myself insane because I'm just a stupid teenaged girl who had no power to help her in any way.

"Maybe we can't predict the future, but professor Trelawney can." I insist. Not that I actually believe in her 'gift' or anything. I'm just hopeless and looking for some type of answer.

"I don't want to go to that nut." He retorts. He quickly realizes the harsh tone he has taken and corrects it quickly "And if the news is bad then-"

"Then we'll know, we'll have time to prepare." I interrupt. Gosh I sound so childish, the exact thing that I'm constantly trying to prove to Oliver that I'm not.

"There's no preparation for something like this Kennedy." He starts to stand up "I know you hate talking about things like this so I'll leave you be, but I'm asking you please do not go to Trelawney. And if ever do want to talk about it you don't have to be afraid to ask me." He finishes.

He's right, I don't think I'll ever be ready for this. Hell, I never thought I would have to worry about something like this in my life.

Most people would be confused why he is leaving me alone in the first place, of course these are the same people who like getting comforted and are comfortable breaking down in front of people. But he knows me well and he knows I'm not the type to want to stick around and let out all of my emotions with him around. I'd rather go back to my dorm and cry alone where nobody can ask me questions.

I nod "I won't. It was a stupid idea anyways." I admit.

I usually don't want people's pity, such as classmates. It makes me feel weak. But I don't know how I feel right now, I sort of want to talk to somebody and I know Oliver has literally just offered to talk with me but he's already got so much weight on his shoulders. I can't imagine having to be the one to tell my sibling such awful news.

At the same time I want to speak specifically with somebody who understands what I'm going through. Someone who has had to live with losing a parent or being as close to it as I am, I'm losing hope quickly but it's sort of how I deal with things like this. Of course the first person who comes to mind is Harry. Maybe he would accept my apology under the circumstances. I don't want to guilt him into being nice to me though.

Suddenly, I don't hate him anymore, maybe it's because I now understand only a portion of what he's dealt with his entire life.

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Sorry I've been posting less consistently it's just harder sometimes for me to post every single day hopefully you guys can respect that :)

Also I cannot explain how thankful I am that my other story that I wrote had just got to 40k reads!!