shikkaku // dazai one shots

momentary

notes: self harm

its not how the media portrays it. it's not feeling edgy or nihilistic or contrarianism. nor is it just a pure despair. it's not desaturation. it's just lethargy and rage and resignation stemming from a sense of powerlessness and loss of control.

nimble fingers wrapped around his throat, squeezing down.

this was better than offing himself, dazai thought. no paperwork, no funeral fees, no resentment. a gentle wail gurgled in his throat but he forced it down. his breath was choking, spots forming in his periphery, and his head felt like bursting. in this feeling of lightheadedness and pain, the panic in his blood removed any anger, any resentment he harboured towards himself. no psychosis. a fleeting moment of peace.

dazai removed his hands, gasping for breath. his pulse thrummed and hammered away under his skin. for a moment, in his heightened physiological state of pain and adrenaline, his body was too preoccupied on figuring out if he was okay than to wallow in his own self doubt.

but it didn't last long.

thoughts flooded back and he leaned back, head hitting on the wall behind him. anger, rage, depression, tiredness, anxiety swirled so chaotically in his head it almost brought him to tears. he wants to cry. it caused headaches, a sick stomach, a quiet whimper of resignation. he wanted to resign from this world, from this banal life, from this feeling of nothingness yet everything. jumping from one extreme to another.

dazai closed his eyes. so tiring.