shikkaku // dazai one shots

□□□□□

notes: suicidal ideation, hallucinations, delusions, slight substance abuse, slight gruesome imagery.

contrary to popular belief, the descent into madness was silent. it was empty stares, empty smiles, empty words. it was the slight feeling of something wrong, some impending doom lurking just beyond reach, waiting to pounce. the feeling of your life hurtling dramatically out of your control while you can't do anything but watch it in silence behind an impenetrable wall of glass.

you were mad. you had been for a while.

"i think i need help."

"you need □ □□□□□□."

"oh."

you needed something, anything, that you could control. something in your life that you had a say in. something that made you feel consequential and not like a background character. you felt like you were floating through existence, like you weren't quite there. if your mother saw you now, she would be disappointed.

oh, how far you fell.

self medicating, high out of your mind, you barely even knew where you were, what time it was. you were no longer normal. no longer a person. you wished you would fall through the cracks of existence, into a deep pit where you can die peacefully. you wanted to do something, scream until your vocal chords ripped, cry until you were blind, but you just sat there, staring.

there was someone in the corner of the room. someone who wasn't there. he watched you silently, waiting for a moment to pounce, but would disappear when you looked up.

"you've become so □□□□□□."

filthy, filthy, you were filthy. you've ruined your innocence. you've ruined your joy, your sense of self. you're filthy. you've strayed from light. from god. this is your punishment. his grace will no longer guide you for you have become a beast. a monster doomed to wander aimlessly in the dark.

scratch your skin. peel it away. you're filthy. the man in the corner will do it if you don't. the man in the corner is watching you. the walls are closing. you're going to die. your heart is going to break free and rip out of your chest. you're to die. you're to die. you're to die and burn for eternity in a pit of roaring, unforgiving flames.

"talk to me."

"there's nothing left to say."

"but you haven't even spoken yet, dear [name]."

you wanted to go swimming in a moonlit lake until you drowned. you wanted to cling to the warmth of the sun until it burns you, until you die from the flames. you wanted to be held until you were no longer breathing. you wanted to be okay. just once. just once. just once you wanted to be okay.