shikkaku // dazai one shots

scattered

notes: suicide, mentions of paranoia and delusions

why do you do this, dazai wondered. you would disappear for days on end with no explanation. no contact, nothing. you wouldn't even open the door when he came looking for you. perhaps you weren't home? with a sigh, he decided to look for you in your most frequented spots around yokohama.

by the time he found you, it was night. you were up on a roof, technically trespassing. the stars were shining down on you, giving you a soft cold glow. dazai closed the door behind him, approaching you. you were leaning against the railings, staring up at the stars, entranced. you loved this spot; it gave you a wonderful view of the city. faint tear-stains were present on your cheeks.

"you weren't answering your calls. again." he watched you jump, looking at him.

"oh? was i—was i not?"

"you haven't been showing up to work either. are you okay?" he stopped in his tracks, noticing you sit dangerously close to the edge of the railings. "[name]?" he called out after an uncomfortably long stretch of silence.

you simply laughed. "sorry i was—i was going to say something but i, um, i forgot."

your speech was scattered, your eyes were darting around, refusing to meet his, and yet you held this saccharine smile on your face for an agonisingly long time. "are you okay?"

"hey dazai!" your voice peaked with sudden enthusiasm. it didn't seem like you registered his question. "did you know? did you know i always wanted to die under the stars?" you looked up, leaning back and gesturing at the constellations above. "ah, it's marvellous!" you suddenly stopped, looking back at him. "did you ask me if i was okay?"

"i did indeed."

"i—" she gulped, the smile still on her face— "i suppose not. ah but the wonderful thing is i won't be not okay for much longer!"

"[name]?" dazai wanted to approach you but felt like you were too turbulent right now, that it wouldn't be the right thing to do. "what's wrong? do you want to talk?"

"you can join me on a wonderful suicide—well i suppose—i suppose what's wrong is i can't—i don't—i—" you couldn't find the right words, your mind was too chaotic to form a proper sentence. you took a deep breath, then another, and then another. your eyes were glassy, but that unnaturally cheery smile remained. "well i suppose what i'm trying to say is, have you ever felt your life spiral out of control? like you have no say in what happens in it anymore and that there's nothing you can do about it?"

"but that's simply not—"

"it's simply not true, right? oh but it is, it is. i've felt like this for years. every thing that i want to do, i can't. and not to mention this keeps hurting." you punctuated your last words with a harsh knock to your temples with your knuckles. "and i don't—i do things without knowing. i'll be in a part of the city and somehow end up in another and i—i'm scared all the time and i want to die all the time and it's so tiring and—" you took a deep breath, ending your ramble mid-sentence.

"why are you scared?" he took a couple cautious steps towards you. you weren't in the right headspace, at this rate you were going to die.

"i—there are—i'm scared people are watching me and i know they aren't, logically i know, but i can't shake this feeling and i've done something terrible, i—i deserve to be tormented but i—but what have i done?" you stopped, almost like you were frozen in time as you thought. "ah, i see. it's my life. living itself is the source of sin." you sounded like you've had a moment of clarity. your voice a quiet whisper, your smile cracking at the edges. the realisation seemed to hurt you as you began crying silently, laughing through your tears. "i see, i see."

"[name], no—" he stopped, looking at you as you raised your head again, looking at the stars. you looked at peace.

"ah, they're beautiful. i've always wanted to die under the stars. i thought it might make me feel a little peace. but i—i'm scared. even in my last moments i'm scared." your voice cracked with a sob. dazai wanted to approach you but his feet felt bolted to the ground. "thank you for coming to look for me, i guess maybe you didn't despise me as much as i thought."

before he could even protest and tell you he never hated you, in fact it was quite the opposite and you were such a bright addition to his life and for the love of god he didn't want you to go—you were gone. all that was left behind of you were your shoes and your jacket. he didn't hear a thud nor did he want to look over to see if you made impact.

your panic, your fears and your despair were gone but so were you. and dazai could do nothing but stare.

*
that quote in bold is from no longer human.
i wanna fucking d i e