shikkaku // dazai one shots

hurts

notes: suicidal ideation

dazai didn't know how he felt. his chest ached with every breath, his head was spinning and throbbing, and he felt his heart thumping against his ribcage so hard he thought it might break through. he felt his throat dry up, his arms wrapping around his torso in a strange self-soothing ritual. dazai was alone in the office, the silence unbearable to him.

he didn't want to die. he didn't want to die. he just wanted the aching breaths, the migraines, the insomnia to stop. all he wanted was for it to—
stop.

please, can it stop?

dazai didn't want to feel so fucking gross all the time. he was tired, his fucking brain would always tell him to fucking off himself, to take the gun in his pocket and put it against his neck, take off the fucking safety and—

"osamu?" your voice cut through the air, as he pulled his head up from his desk, his default smile stretching across his lips.

"ah, [name]! how was lunch?" you gave a response that he wasn't entirely listening to, he just didn't have the energy.

"have you eaten?"

no. "of course! i had—" dazai didn't remember what excuse he said.

he wanted to leave, get away from here. he saw your critical gaze, and he tried his best to ignore it as the two of you walked home. you closed the door, kicking off your shoes as dazai dragged his feet, heading to the room and collapsing. he wanted to die. it hurt. it hurt. his head was pounding. it hurt.

"do you want to talk?" you asked, sitting beside him on the bed, running a hand through his hair. the very slight pressure made him feel a little better.

"just a headache, love." dazai turned his head to look at you with a small smile as you continued to massage him.

you were nice. talking to you about nothing in particular was nice. your lovely eyes were always filled with this vibrant light and somehow it was endearing to him.

you talked about your day cheerily, he wasn't entirely listening, but it was nice to listen to. with a soft smile, he rested his head on your lap as you talked. his head hurt, his chest throbbed with every breath, he wanted it to stop, death seemed to be the only option.

dazai didn't want to die, he wanted it to end.

looking at your light hearted smile, your gorgeous smile. he wanted it to end, but this wasn't so bad.