shikkaku // dazai one shots

happiness

notes: suicidal ideation

dazai stared as you tapped the pen on the clipboard rhythmically. why was he here? he didn't need to be here.  he could get better on his own, he doesn't need to be in an office sat with a stranger whose sole purpose is to dissect everything he says and attack his most darkest insecurities. there was a reason he was always unnervingly grinning and here you were, trying to breaking past what he had intricately created to—

"mr dazai." he looked up at you. "you zoned out again. you were talking about your family?"

dazai smiled, tilting his head to a side. "i'm sorry, in don't remember what i was saying." you sighed, setting your pen down. dazai looked away, looking at the strange marks on the wood table between them.

"why do you want to die?"

"i shouldn't be alive."

"do you want to talk about that?"

dazai looked up with a smile. "not really!"

"are you happy the way you are?"

"i'm not."

"do you want happiness?"

the fuck kind of question is that? of course he wants to be happy. he wants to enjoy his life, he wants to feel like he's worth something, that someone, somewhere, appreciates him. but he knows he doesn't deserve to be happy. he doesn't deserve it after all the sins he's committed. the only way he could ever redeem himself is in death, he doesn't deserve anything more than that. after all he's ever done, he's never been able to live up to anyone's expectations, not mori's, not odasaku's, definitely not his parents'. he was a wasted life and if there was a god, a hell, then he deserved to be in it, he deserved to rot with his sins, his disgusting pride, his stupidity—

"mr dazai?"

"i don't."

＊
"he could only consider me as the corpse of a would-be suicide, a person dead to shame, an idiot ghost."