shikkaku // dazai one shots

trapped

notes: suicidal ideation, negative self talk,

sit up straight.
don't wear that.
don't speak like that.
you were raised better.

you tap the pen against your desk rhythmically.

don't shake your leg.
fix your appearance.
you're a disgrace.

you shut your eyes. you were struggling to finish this report. the voice in your head was loud.

kill yourself you fucking coward.
take the knife and draw a line across your throat

you can't do it can you? how pathetic you've become.
no you've always been like this.

your coffee fell onto the floor.
"i'm sorry, i'm sorry."

"it's fine. get up."

"i need to clean it before it stains."

scrub scrub scrub away the filth.

"please get up."

scrub yourself clean. scrub the floor clean. leave no imperfections. give them no ammunition.

be fucking perfect.
or die. it's up to you.

"i'm sorry."

a warmth enveloped you. you were. being hugged.

"it's okay. it's okay."

three syllables. three fucking syllables and you crumbled.
how pathetic.

"i'm tired. i'm tired." you choked. the anguish that resided deep within your heart was finally stirring until it left you shaking and recoiling. words were stuck in your throat.

"i know."

"i'm trapped. i'm trapped i'm trapped i'm trapped. i need help i want to die what do i do i want to die again. i was okay but now i'm not and i don't know what to do!" you were wailing and crying in the arms of you colleague.

how sad.
how FUCKING sad.

screaming like a wounded animal. embarrassing yourself.

but let's be honest. nothings really wrong, is it? boo hoo some people were mean to you when you were little and hit you a bit and you decided to make it your whole personality. talking about desperate!

you shook yourself free from his grasp, quickly collecting yourself. you grinned up at dazai. "sorry about that! anyway, what can i help you with? do you need me to read over your report or something?"

"no, i just—"

"ah, i need to finish my report first, so can it wait? give me like ten minutes."

mask mask mask mask. don't let them see how pathetic you truly are.

mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask ma—

"don't do that. please. talk to me."

he's pitying you. look at him. looking at you like that.

he's not pitying me. that's not pity.

are you deluded enough to think he cares?

"talk to you about what?" you laughed. "don't worry, im fine, really!!"