shikkaku // dazai one shots

responsible

you sat on the park bench, watching the rain pelt down on you. your cigarette was no longer lit, your tears were obscured by the raindrops. your house was too noisy and when your mother found you were gone, you were going to be in trouble. you needed to think of an excuse, but you knew you needed to get home soon, lest things got worse.

ah, why you? you've wondered that for a while now. why you? if there was a god as kind and merciful as they'd say, why did he give you this? ever since you could remember, you were mediating things at home, making sure things weren't too...hectic. you had to work to help pay bills, you had to make sure your parents didn't kill each other, you had to cook and clean for your brother too and you were tired. you didn't want to go home, you didn't want to be responsible anymore but you didn't have any other option.

you could hear her yelling in your head, telling you how useless you were. you let out a small sigh, letting the cigarette slip from your mouth, vaguely aware of the rain stopping. you looked up, noticing the small black umbrella. you looked up at dazai, an old colleague of yours. "where are your parents, [name]?" you didn't respond. he took a seat beside you, holding the umbrella over you. "do you want to come with me? if you stay out here you'll fall ill." you still remained silent. you didn't have anything to say. you didn't want to go home. you didn't want to burden dazai. you wanted to cry.

you lit another cigarette, taking a drag of it. "mother's going to be mad if i smell like smoke." you took another puff. dazai continued to watch you, concerned. "it sucks man." you scoffed. were you really going to tell him? "am i doing the right thing to give up on what i want for my family?" your voice cracked. "i mean it must be, right? their happiness is the most important, right?" there was another short silence. "am i doing the right thing? is anyone proud of me? is it always going to be like this? do i always have to be this sad?" your phone rang and you noticed it was your mum's name. "i've got to go."

"are you sure? your mum doesn't like the smell of cigarettes." he stood up, holding a hand out to you.

*
unedited.