Trust me

Masks and Secrets ✄

"No" I whisper, pulling my hands out of his, "No no no no."

I step back slowly, my heart hurting like its never hurt before. I had no idea what I was feeling, he couldn't love me, he didn't love me. I was a mess, a broken person that would never be fixed. How can he not see that? How can he not see that I'm no good for him?

"Please, you don't know what your saying. You don't love me! Please say you don't love me!"

He's walking towards me now, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. I didn't know what to say. I was speechless. My knees feel a little wobbly but I force myself to walk backwards, not allowing Reuben to come any closer.

"Jess, just listen to me."

"No!" I say angrily, I can't even bring myself to look at him. "You need to leave, now"

Reuben stares at me. "You don't mean that."

I take another shaky breath, my head pounding like crazy. "I do, Reuben. I'm done with this. You don't even know me that well yet you still think you're in love with me. You're crazy, and I'm done with us."

"No, Jess"

"I said leave Reuben."

"Please, Jess. There must be something I can say to change your mind-"

Suddenly my chest is stinging again, the worst pain yet. My eyes are burning too.

"Please leave now." I say quietly. "Don't make this any harder than it had to be."

But he doesn't leave; he just stands there and stares at me like I'm crazy.

"I just told you I loved you... I opened my heart up to you and this is what I get in return!" I flinch a little; I had never heard him speak like that before.

I go to say something but I couldn't, a wave of dizziness crashes over me and white lights pop in my vision. Suddenly I find myself sitting on the ground, fighting the urge to faint, my heart hurting worse than ever. He doesn't love me, he can't love me. He doesn't even know what he's saying.

"Jess!"

I can hear Reuben's footsteps as he runs over to me. Before I know it he's kneeling right beside me, one hand resting protectively on my sweaty, t-shirt covered back.

"Breathe Jess" He says, just under a whisper.

I raise my hand to wipe some sweat on my forehead and realize my hands are shaking uncontrollably. So this was what a panic attack was like.

"y-y-you don't l-love me" I'm using every bit of energy I have left to get those words out, but I didn't care. I just needed him to tell me he didn't, to tell me that he was just going crazy.

"I do love you Jess, and there's nothing you can do to change that." I can hear the honesty in his voice, which only makes my breathing more uneven. He's lying not only to me, but also to himself.

I take a shuddering breath; I can almost hear the air rattling in my chest as I inhale. I try to speak, but then, quite abruptly- I start crying. I can't keep it in anymore. I draw my knees to my chest and bury my face in my hands. I can't look at Reuben right now; it'll only make my heart hurt more.

Now its Reu's turn to take a shaky breath, his arms rapping around my small body. As much as I like it when he holds me, I can't let him comfort me. I can't let him love me.

I shove him off, leaving him confused and hurt, even though I can tell he's trying to hide it.

"You don't know me, you don't know what I've been through. If you did, you would hate me like you've never hated anyone before. You'd understand why everyone thinks I'm a freak. Don't you get that?" I say angrily, tears still falling from my eyes like a waterfall.