Trust me

Scars and Promises ∞

I look up at the sky, admiring the view. It was lit up with thousands of shades of purple and it was absolutely stunning. This must be why Reu liked it so much. I mean, it's the perfect place to just stop and think about things.

I sigh, dangling my feet over the cliff. I wonder what it would be like to fall, to get out of this life and into the next. Would it get rid of all the pain, hurt and Heartache that I'm feeling now? Would I be happy, flying above the clouds? I probably would. I mean, my mum did it. And now she's in heaven, probably looking over me and wondering why I haven't jumped yet. Truth is, I was going to. But then I met Reuben, and I had second thoughts.

But Reu isn't worth staying alive for. He wasn't there when I needed him. Not even that night that I was chased by a man, and raped. Not even then.

It wasn't his fault entirely. I mean, how was he supposed to make it in time? But still, I can't help but feel the anger boiling up inside of me. He hadn't made it, and there fore I was raped. Raped for the second time. Made impure once again.

At first, all I wanted to do was be with Reu; for him to hold me and let me cry into his chest. But I was naked, vulnerable and alone. And just because I wanted someone to care for me doesn't mean I should go running to someone I had only known for a week. Especially if they're the one who didn't stop the incident happening in the first place.

So instead of running to Reuben, I ran up to the abandoned house. I needed to be away from the world. And the only way to do that was to paint. Paint what it felt like, not only when I was raped, but when Reu didn't turn up. The heartache I felt in my chest when I sat alone on that hill, naked and broken.

And now looking over this cliff, it doesn't seem like it would be such a bad idea to jump. I mean, I would be free from the world; free from being raped, tortured, bullied and abused. Free from the constant knife that was being stabbed in my head, and in my back for that matter.

I stand up abruptly, sucking my breath in. Was I really going to do this, was I really going to jump. I hadn't thought this through very much. I mean, what about dad, He might have abused me when I was a kid but he was still my father. I couldn't just leave him like that, what if he got better.

But he won't get better. And no one needs me in this life, not even Reu. So what's the point of hanging around? When all I am is a burden.

I step back slowly, making sure that I have a good run up. If I'm going to die, then I'm going to do it in style. Sucking in my breath, I prepared to run. One last prayer and I would be gone from this world forever.

"Dear god..." I hadn't prayed to God ever before, I wasn't a very religious person. "Let me be with my mum."

I took a few steps forward. My chest was filled with terror and excitement. My feet begin to speed up and then...

"Jess! What are you doing!"

I stop in my tracks, desperately trying to stable myself so that I don't fall down. Why was he here? How could he have known I would be here at 9:30 in the morning?

"What do you want Reuben?" I say rudely, turning my neck so that I had a better view of him.

"I uh... w-what are you d-doing?" he says, worry and fear filling his voice.

I sigh, stepping slowly away from the cliff, wishing that Reu had come a few seconds later. That he would find my body at the bottom and realize the mistake he had made, when he didn't come and help me last night.

"What does it look like I'm doing." I mumble, looking down at my fingers. I was slightly ashamed, that I wasn't strong enough to deal with this life. That I was giving up so easily. But after everything I'd been through, I definitely have the right.