greetings from califournia. (oneshot) // myg.

you will never look back. (translated)

TRIGGER WARNING
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when we came to california, trouble found us immediately.
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you were so excited about moving out, of course i was also excited as much as you. i remember the day we first came here, that smile of your childish happiness still haunts my mind. we had no problem in the first weeks, except the coldness of our neighbours. nobody would talk or even greet each other. even so, that wasn't a problem for us; we had eachothers. what more could we ask for?
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we realized later that we couldn't keep up with the neighborhood.
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it was about one month since we moved in, the first thing happened around these times. i remember the night when some tramps stopped me and tried to beat me for the money i have. i tried to resist, but it was unavailing; i was not strong enough to deal with three people. you were so scared when i came home, covered in blood. frankly i was barely standing properly, but you were the only thing that fills my mind. i don't know what would i do if you were there and got hurt.
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after that, they started to come around our house; what they wanted was not even money. they were doing this just for fun. cops didn't even care about us, they were the ones who cared about money to be honest. they were not doing this jobs because they want to, it was just for the wealth. we heard that the majority of them cooperate with mafias, actually it wasn't something surprising.
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at the first night of them coming to disturb us, i've never seen you cry this much. "we shouldn't have come.." you said. maybe we really should not have come here. if i knew that we would end up like this, we'd never come here. the bullet marks on the walls, feels like they were penetrated to my mind. now our memories are also just like that, full of holes.
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even though we made a lot of complaint, that didn't work. after some time, the whole situation started to turn into racism. our sleep would got disrupted with the screams of these scumbags stating they do not want us here. even though we've done nothing bad to them.
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we wanted to move to somewhere else, but our financial situation was not really pleasant. after two months that passed like hell, everything got calmer. however, things started to happen again. people who got high or has trouble started to harm our house. we couldn't do anything but stay inside. even some robbers broke into the house a few times.
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five months. five months had passed.
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coming back home after working overtime, of course i was tired. it felt like the closer i get home, the less tired i was; i was missing you a lot. the night before, you told me to not to go. i did not listen to you, maybe i should have done that.
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i found the door wide open and the windows were broken. stepped inside with panic, it was messed up. i ran upstairs calling out for you but heard no answer. as i entered our room, i faced with your body covered in blood. while anger embracing my whole body, i cried and screeched. you were right, i shouldn't have gone.
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it's been a year and a half since your death now. it was hard to get over, everything changed.
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in the first month of your absence, i beat someone to death for taunting me and ended up in police station. got handcuffed and i thought of you.
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after that, a new person came into my life. he was two years younger than me, reminding me of you. after spending three months together, i let him touch me one night when i was fully drunk. but as my scent merge with his, i couldn't keep myself from feeling sick. i belonged to you only. my whole body, my self... only belonged to you. i made love and i thought of you.
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i finally found a chance to move out after a long time. i got out of this hellish neighbourhood. i got a place and I thought of you. stuck in my mind, you were never going out. i couldn't get rid of this feeling of guilt. trying to set things felt hard. trying to do things without you made me feel incomplete. i tried to decorate and i thought of you. wanted to get a new life but when i felt like accomplishing that, i was sinking to the bottom. to the deepest.
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you never liked black while i was absolutely in love with it. that was getting on your nerves sometimes. white was made for you, taintless. i always thought black looks good on you, even though you did not agree. you were completing me. i was the only person who knew the black that you hide inside. i never knew that black and white would fit you too.
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your scent is still on my mind, i miss that so much. you always smelled like violets, my lungs were filling with peace when im with you. now im leaning to the bathroom wall, sitting on tiles. feeling the cold, your warmth is gone.
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i don't have any strength to take this anymore. a gun resting to my head, and im thinking about you again. i can't stand craving you, i wanna come by your side. taking a deep breath, the smell of gunpowder fills my lungs instead of violets.
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im not gonna wait for breathing out to reach you. even on my last breath, you're on my mind, my love.