Tears and Sorrows💙

I Guess Whats New ?

So basically it's going on year 4 and I am finding conflict with myself again he tells me he loves me treats me wonderfully but I feel like once my period is around it's a whole different ball game I didn't get a hug or kiss today I haven't gotten my sweet dezzy for a minute and he says he's tired and drained so I understand from practice but I just want my baby and I can't do this to him but I'm really genuinely tired and just want him I always come to him and I wanted him to come to me but instead he stood in his place seemingly ignoring me 🥺 I know I didn't tell him but I assume if you miss me or want me you would come to me as I would you. I have been getting yelled at a lot and I hate it my best friend yelled at me bc I wouldn't take his jacket my boyfriend yelled at me bc I couldn't hear him and he was getting irritated I just want to be loved and I don't know where to find it I love myself but it's a yearning for a different kind of love that I can't seem to find I need reassurance but I don't know how not to and I just wish I wasn't such a fuck up I ruin everything I'm nothing but a mistake  I deserve to die a horrible death I haven't done anything to prove that I'm of some good use to this world. Hell I'm sure my boyfriend is over me and my craziness it's something new with me everyday I'm toxic and lonely and depressed and just tired I want to be cuddled and loved and kissed and to hear the love of my life's voice every single day for the rest of my life but it can't always happen but I don't know what to do when I don't have it. Like what am I supposed to do with that time I'm bored done cleaning did all my work have no friends still and a very busy boyfriend. I don't like entertaining boys that's not in my nature I'm really loyal when it comes to my baby but I don't know what to do without him I have time to think about things that make me sad and cry bc I've taken care of all the good things in my life and then get bored 🤦🏾‍♀️ I'm tired and need help but I guess we all have it bad somehow I'm bitching a lot and there are people out there who have it way worse than me I need to grow up and cut the bull shit and just be mature and suck it up life happens I have to learn to be alone no one will ever be there for me the way I am for my self I can't neglect myself but I hurt so much and I just want dez to make it all better unfortunately sometimes I feel like without playing he is either gaming annoyed with me yelling or quiet till he falls asleep bc I'm boring I have one thing that entertains him and when Mother Nature comes I can't give him either one bc I'm not good at one and the other is out of order idk why I feel like this but he's great to me I shouldn't say this about him he's wonderful and caring and usually tells me loves me I'm just a bad person km toxic and he deserves better someone who can give him more than than what I can emotionally and physically. He needs someone mentally stable and happy and secure in herself so she can be there for him and never question his love for her he wouldn't have ever cheated on me had I just been there and done right by him instead of driving him insane and pushing him away 💔 I only hurt myself and I'm tired I can't wait till death day 🙃. PS still have an incarcerated dad and it's been 3years almost 4 now 😁.