Tears and Sorrows💙

Not about pride is about growing up ...right?

I shouldn't want you but I do. I shouldn't miss you but I do. I shouldn't depend on you but I do. I shouldn't love you but I do. I shouldn't be so blind but I am. I shouldn't deal with your bullshit but I do. I shouldn't see you as my world but I do. I shouldn't feel like everything crumbles when things go wrong and your not there to kiss me and tell me its going to get better but I do, every single time... I do. The reason why all of this happened is because I am 'dumb' 'stupid' 'don't use commonsense' 'just don't think' and sometimes 'say the weirdest of things that just don't makes sense'. This all happens not only because I am naive but because I am human. I want you to be happy, successful and free of stress and pain. I know I cant control that but I can attempt not to add to that struggle. I give you headaches because I asking too many questions and say weird things that don't make sense or just talk to much. I believe that the reason is not any of these things but is simply because I Am Annoying and You Cannot Handle Me. I am overemotional, have a very loud mouth, insecure, bold and not very confident in everything I do. PSA I am sorry for not being perfect and not being a normal, beautiful, thick, quiet, and confident person. I am not perfect I have things to work on...I don't know where to start or how to fix it. I know one thing you said too Grow Up so that is what I will do. I will be the best me I can be but will work to fix my imperfections not for you but for me so that I don't make the same mistake that I made with you which was losing sight of what I wanted and got to what I had and what you became as time passed. Your successful and doing big things that I will always be proud of you for but I know one thing for sure is that you became focused on what you want which is what you got and I know that I do not fit in your picture right now or maybe ever ...who knows💁? But the point is your doing big things and I don't help in it all I am a hindrance. You and I are both better off without one another and this is because I need to grow up and grow thickened skin so that words said to me no longer hurt me like they have my whole life. You are not the first to tell me some of the things mention to me but you are the first to ever make me want to do better and change for the better of myself and i'm going to do that. I am going to grow up. With or without you but I will do it. I will stop being sensitive and emotional. I will learn to keep myself under control. I will learn to be quiet. I will learn to just relax and calm down because not everything needs a over excited or over reactive reaction. I will keep myself healthy and loss weight. I will work hard to get the body that I want. Thank you for being honest with me about myself. I also know that all of this is a waste of my time,effort and breath simply because no one cares. If I want this I have to work for it. I want to be able to keep a straight face and not smile at the world around me because not everything is funny and a thing to smile about. I learned that no one really is interested in how your doing in life or what your going through. No one wants to know a life story or about things that you found really interesting in a day because its all irrelevant and it will stay that way. I get that there is still questions and the answer to it all is that none of it matters because I am imperfect so I need to fix it and do better for myself by simply GROWING UP. I LOVE YOU but I cant be dependent on someone who has to focus on them self and the same things must go for you. You don't need me because you have yourself to focus on so you do that and I wish you the best in it all really I do but your honesty can only take me so far and I have to be honest with myself and say this You don't need me and You will not always be here for me so I need to take care of myself. I love you too much to let go so of course you wont ever see this but THIS IS ME GROWING UP AND BECOMING WHAT I NEED TO AND WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED ME TO BECOME FOR MYSELF. 💖