Read my heart, not my mind

25. In My Head

My ears buzzed constantly as I sat with my head down in the Great Hall. Everything sounded far away and wrong, like someone cast the 'muffliato' charm on me. I blinked my dry eyes slowly once, they felt sandy like I'd been living in a desert but I knew it was from crying too much. I hadn't managed to sleep for more than three hours at a time in the last two weeks. I was blindly attributing that to the fact that I was studying for midterms but even that lie didn't work on me.

I couldn't sleep because Hoseok was avoiding me. It wasn't obvious to everyone, in fact I think I am the only one who noticed. He still sat with me in class, but always let Namjoon take the seat next to me. I heard him talking and laughing with the other boys at dinner, but he was never near enough that I could reach out and touch him. He no longer came to the dusty classroom by Transfiguration or stopped by the warm, fire lit alcove.

I blinked my emotions behind a steel wall when I felt someone gently touch my shoulder. I looked over to see that Taehyung's pretty hand was trying to get my attention. I looked up enough to see the assortment of Christmas tree necklaces, jingle bells and oddly decorated wreaths that hung around his neck. Every movement of his sent a chorus of tinkles through the air as he magically added bells to everything. It was endearing and sweet and it made my heart ache with an unknown pain because I loved him, I loved all of them and it hurt. And I don't know why.

"Hmm?" I managed after a moment, not trusting my voice to speak without cracking. The only thing I managed to keep over the course of the last two weeks was my dignity, I wasn't going to lose it now.

"Noona?" His soft voice came out in a tentative whisper, like he was afraid that if he spoke any louder I would shatter into a thousand pieces. "Are you coming to Hogsmeade with us?" He asked, his deep voice inherently hopeful.

I looked up enough to see that the other five boys were dressed warmly against the onslaught of snow that had buried everything in a thick layer of white. Their jackets puffed out around them with cute, mismatched scarfs tied around their necks and little mittens covering their precious hands. I shook my head no, forcing a smile so he wouldn't be hurt.

"I'm beat Tae," I said with too much honesty, "now that the stress is gone, I think I might just sleep until the New Year." He nodded his head as he squeezed once and left me to join the others. Not a pair of feet hesitated as they laughed loudly and left the Great Hall.

I turned briefly back to my untouched food before I was overcome with a desire to be alone. Today was the last trip to Hogsmeade before everyone left to return to their families for the holidays tomorrow. I was staying, I always stayed and I wanted to enjoy the peace and quiet. I pushed myself to my feet wearily, wondering at what point the lack of food and sleep will make me collapse and if the wizarding world had a magical cure for that as well.

I frowned horribly as I stood outside of the stone door, staring incredulously at the bronze eagle. The trudge up here from the Great Hall took all of my energy and concentration and now this stupid bird asked me a question that seemingly had no answer. "Again?" I demanded irritably.

It opened its beak with a great metallic groan, "I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with the wind. What am I?"

Frustrating, I thought but I refused to say so out loud. If I got the riddle wrong, I would have to wait for someone else to show up before I could collapse in my bed. Given the circumstances of the day, that wasn't likely to happen. His words echoed through my head for a good five minutes before I realized the answer and felt triply stupid as I rolled my eyes so hard I was surprised my head didn't fall of my shoulders.

"An echo." I muttered, pleased with myself as the stone door swung open and I finally found my way to my bed. I fell into the mattress without bothering to cover up, I couldn't really tell if I was cold or hot most of the time anyway. I was too exhausted to do anything more than pull Mang from my pocket and curl onto my side before a wave of sleep crashed against me and everything faded away.