For The Rainy Days

Excess of Criticism

What is wrong with me?

I ask myself this every night as I sit in the dark trying my hardest to fall asleep. All the things I could have done better in every situation going through my mind as if on repeat. I never let anything I do wrong slip through, I hold on to it. I hold on to every little thing that I mess up. I don't know how to do anything else besides hold on.

Every thought that crosses my mind is negative.

How could one person make so many endless mistakes?

I Think about how people probably laughed at me as I stumbled on the sidewalk the other day. Why can't I just walk to class and not make a fool of myself? I feel like everyone's eyes are on me as I walk across the classroom to my seat. They must be judging me just as much as I judge myself, right?

Judgment.

Judgment seems to follow my every movement and every word. Sometimes I swear I can't be real. No one that's real could possibly be as much of a mistake as me. It's as if every word out of my mouth was purposely chosen to make a fool out of me.

What an idiot.

What a mess.

I can't seem to slow any of these thoughts as I lay awake at night. I'm haunted by everything about myself. How could anyone see something worthwhile in me?

I still do this so much and I've tried to stop because I know that people don't notice everything I do. The thing is, what if they do?

Stop Thinking so much. Stop Thinking. Stop.

How could you mispronounce something so simple? Why would you say that? Why couldn't you be less clumsy? Why?

Stop. Just sleep.

No one's perfect right? Then why do I think I have to be? Why won't the judgment stop? This has to be normal. I'm embarrassed of myself. All of the things I mess up day to day just keep building up as if a wall is forming and pushing me deeper into the thoughts that haunt me every night as I try to sleep.

Sleep.

What an escape from the criticism. I can't point out my mistakes and flaws when I'm asleep, and maybe that's why I always sleep so much. When I'm awake my brain never seems to slow down for more than a few seconds at a time. I think about what I'm going to do a million times before I do it, and still I seem to mess something up.

Everything I do. Everything. It all seems to be under more criticism from me than anyone else. Even my writing. I rewrite one sentence over and over again wondering how I could be such a terrible writer.

I continue to Think about when I tripped on the sidewalk. The utter embarrassment of my flip flop getting caught in the gap and how I barely caught myself. Maybe if I looked where I was walking I wouldn't make a fool of myself as I do something as simple as walking.

I Think, I sleep, Think, sleep, Think, sleep. That's all I seem to do lately. The endless thoughts in my head never stop.

Maybe tomorrow I won't stumble on the sidewalk.

Maybe tomorrow I'll pronounce that word correctly.

Maybe tomorrow I won't Think so much.

Maybe.