The Boundaries of Love

● 33 ●

 I try to rub the centre of my ribcage, this pain is simply unbearable. Leaving Shravan behind alone is the toughest thing I have ever done. But I had to.

Shravan's PTSD is turning into a complex one and to stop that Mr Pattinson is opting for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. In simple words, he told me CBT focuses on the relationship among thoughts, feelings, and behaviours; targets current problems and symptoms; and focuses on changing patterns of behaviours, thoughts and feelings that lead to difficulties in functioning. 

He can't really make Shravan forget about what his parents did to him, but he is trying to change his perspective. So here he needs to be more strict. 

For me, Shravan is not a mere case, but my lifeline. Now that I am standing at the closed door of his apartment, I could tell, I always loved him, true, but now I am in love with him. And that feeling is nowhere near the feeling when I fell for him. 

The constant throbbing in my chest is proof that my heart is protesting against my decision. I don't want to leave him. Not like this, yet I have no choice. 

Clicking the button of the lift I fish my tablet out of my bag. I need to see him. Without telling Shravan's doctor and Shravan, I had installed CCTV cameras in the apartment. I didn't know why my sixth sense told me to do it, maybe my overprotectiveness or my love for him warned me. 

It was when I saw him leaving the bed slowly and stealthily at night. I wanted to know what he was doing while giving him the space he needed. 

There he is, sitting on that small couch in his living room. And the most horrible part is he is sitting there as if nothing has happened. Without any pain showing on his face, he looks like he isn't feeling anything. As if he . . .

And that scares me. 

He is quiet, that clearly, states Shravan's mind is running into overdrive. This isn't good.

Hurriedly, I call Mr Pattinson. Explaining the situation and what had happened I can't help myself but ask, "What if he does something to himself?"

After a second which seems like an hour, "He won't."

"How do you know?" I snap, "If he does anything to himself, I won't be able to forgive myself. You have no idea what I am going through at this moment!" My eyes haze, "I left him, when I am all he has, I hit him there where he is hurt the most. I left him, his fear will be doubled . . ."

"Calm down. It won't happen. Oh! He is calling me." And he cuts the call. I was busy talking to him so I didn't notice, Shravan is actually talking to him. 

"She left. And it was all your fault." He accuses the Dr. His voice is calm. Shravan listens to the Dr and then chuckles, "I have still not gone mad, Dr. I am not going to die for such lame reason. But yes, what she did is not right. She shouldn't have come into my life, promising me to not leave yet she  . . ." He shakes his head, "I don't care, why! She did. And that's what matters. I am not going to let it go so easily." And he cuts the call. 

His words sting me to no end, but for a second I get the glimpse of my old Shravan. And I feel the pain in my chest is very welcoming.

 ***

Arranging the flat that my company had issued for me wasn't a problem. The problem arose when I had to explain to Pushkar why I did leave Shravan's place. I blatantly lied and said, it's because this place is nearby and I will be at Shravan's every weekend. Seems he has believed me and doesn't probe further. 

Life isn't the same here. I don't have to make sure to get up early so does Shravan never miss his breakfast. I never have to be careful while creating a mess, Shravan is not here to tsk over it. My mornings start looking at Shravan, making himself mostly a sandwich. While working on the laptop he finishes it. He walks out of the door and I start to get ready for my office.