The Boundaries of Love

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Lightning! Have you noticed how the sky lights up in brilliant streaks when that happens? How a dazzling light surrounds you, startles you; so much that in a flash you turn blind for a little while?

I feel exactly the same. Shravan's sudden emotional outburst made me freeze. The way, his lips latch upon mine, the way he is holding my face in his large hands, softly yet firmly, as if he is worried that I may disappear into thin air. The raw energy that is coming out of him, makes me tingle everywhere that even I didn't know was possible till now.

But again it's gone before I could comprehend everything that's happening to me. He put some distance between us as hurriedly as he came to kiss me. Bloody hell! Kiss! That was my first kiss! Slowly I put my hand on my tingling lips, as I looked at his direction. Shravan is standing in front of the giant window facing away from me; his back taut, ready to recoil. We stay quiet, I don't know for how long. Shravan hasn't turned back to face me, and I am still sitting on his bed, thinking a way out of this awkward situation. 

I fiddle with my fingers, "Shravan I . . ."

"I am sorry Suman." He says. Shravan turns towards me painfully slow, "I wasn't thinking," he whispers, for a tiny, minuscule, moment, his eyes come back on me before they go back to roam around the room, "This wasn't supposed to happen." I sit there like a statue, as I look at him. The expression on his face, I can't put a finger on whether it is anger. . . Or . . . disgust?! Is he disgusted by the fact that he kissed me? The way he is looking at everything in this room but I, clearly states he didn't like it.

I snorted to myself. Of course, he didn't like it. I was sitting like a bloody cold rock when he was kissing me. I look down at my fiddling fingers, "Yes, I understand!" I mumble, "I am...," I try to find the right words. I didn't have any experience regarding intimacy. Whatever I have learnt, is through the books that I have read. And he had a girlfriend, so he knows . . .

I close my eyes, I can feel I am venturing into a very dangerous zone. Jealousy. Thinking of him with some other girl irks me to no bound. "I am not good at it anyway." The words are out of my mouth before I can even stop them; "So I guess it's okay that . . ."

Never in my life, have I been this embarrassed. I spring to my feet, "I-I must go now." I have been avoiding looking at him since that very moment. I shake my head and I walk towards the door with a heavy heart, when he doesn't speak anything.

I almost reach the door, which is still wide open, "Wait!" He yells. I stop there. For some unknown reason, I want to cry. And the thought of me crying makes me more uncomfortable. I have never been the one to cry, no matter how difficult the situation on hand is; but I could feel my eyes burn as my vision gets hazy.

"You think, I didn't like it?", he sounds hurt, "Suman, I said sorry because this was not how I had imagined it to happen!" Now he sounds desperate, "For God's sake look at me!!" He snaps.

I blink faster, to hide my tears, "No, I mean," I bark a laugh, as I face him, "I was sitting there like a statue. You couldn't have done anything.," I blush profusely at the word anything, it did come out as an accusation, "I mean, I am inexperienced." What are you saying Sumo! "I mean...," and I make the mistake of finally looking at him.

"You think," he mumbles, "Shit!", he suddenly pulls me into his chest, "Look at me." he holds my face, slowly caressing them, "I have wanted to do this for a long time, Suman. The moment you walked into that restaurant on our first date."

My eyes widened, "But you didn't even know me then!" Seriously Sumo!

He opens his mouth as if to say something, but he thinks against it, "Does that matter? I was just happy that you agreed to marry me." He looks up for a moment, "God only knows how scared I was. I just couldn't control myself", he looks down at me, "And it has nothing to do with your inexperience. I practically attacked you." He laughs out loud.