Not Some Princess ✓

34. Masochistic tendency

34

Masochistic tendency

I've been thinking 'bout you
Yeah, I've been missing you
Where the hell are you, oh, when I need you?
I could still hear your voice
I ain't got no choice
'Cause I'm here all alone
—Thinking Bout You
Ariana Grande

THE WIND made the strands slap my face as I stood on the road passing the hospital. I stood there with a cast on a leg and hand. I had a text written on my phone that I would send on my parent's group chat something along the lines of I was leaving and I needed to be alone. And that I needed to use the adult card.

I rarely used the adult card.

And my parents knew this meant no matter what they say this decision won't change. One of the reasons I am grateful they are my parents. I would have gone crazy had it been someone else. Ever since I had grown up which was not long ago, my parents had told me that despite their reluctance I should be able to make my own decisions. Of course, they would link in whenever they felt the requirement but they had asked me to embrace my individuality more than anything else.

Maybe that is the very reason when someone expects me of something it just renders me ruffled. I am not used to being told what to do. And I'd like it to remain the same way. Ever since I entered the workforce and the shitty adulthood in general, everyone and their mother expected something. Even the cleaning lady expected me to pass a smile to her when I pass along her in the lobby of my apartment.

You look around and people who shouldn't give a shit would give a shit about the most nonsensical shit. And in due course, they'd wonder why the fuck were they giving a shit about it in the first place.

Go figure.

But as cliche, as it sounds, Raymond Fernsby was the first man to induce me appalled. Simply for he didn't give a shit. Apart from the matters that did require shit to be given.

So when he did give a shit, like every human, to things that didn't oblige it. I felt a bit aggravated. Sue me.

I didn't want to admit it, and I won't admit it out loud, but I found myself missing him. I had no idea where he was. Nobody would give me any clear ideas. I knew he had to work, of course, he had so much to do. But it was Ray we are talking about. His time management skills are nothing less than rocket science. And I don't know, but somehow I suppose I had a pinch of an idea what went down with him. And that kinda incited me a bit. For shit went down with me too.

I took out my phone as I made my way to the cafe right beside the hospital and leaned my body against the exterior of the wall. My ride would be here any minute now. My hair was a mess. My clothes were a mess. All in all, I was a mess. But in these moments you realise that nobody gave a shit. Everyone had shit going on and everyone was messed up in some way or another, and a person who looked like she just escaped a mental asylum didn't come in the closest of interests of the people passing by.

I observed the people going by. One had a phone to his ear chatting, which seemed more like sweet-talk. Another was walking steadfast and seemed to be in a kind of a hurry. And then there was this little girl who licked her candy and wandered on the sidewalk. She didn't give a rat's ass what anyone was doing. She didn't give a shit about what was going on. She had no one to please. And no train to catch. She just enjoyed her damn good candy. And that's it.