Not Some Princess ✓

25. Wrecked Sunshine

25

Wrecked Sunshine

Holding down my feelings
A pillar for my enemies
I should have wrote a letter
And grieve what I happen to grieve
My black shroud
I never trust my feelings
I waited for the remedy
—Should Have Known Better
Sufjan Stevens

SOMETIMES YOU feel that you don't want to wake up anymore. Sometimes you thrive in the unconsciousness. And sometimes you just don't want to face the world. Because the world has decided to show it's ugly face. And you act like a kid trying to show the tongue to it despite knowing it won't change anything.

I didn't want to wake up.

At least not now.

"What is this?" I had the urge to open my eyes and ask for coffee when I heard her voice. Only, I simply couldn't.

I felt a numbing sensation on my cheek.

"She was atta—

"He means she fell down the stairs." I heard Stefan's voice cut through Ray's sentence.

"Pretty badly." Joe added.

"What? I can't believe this girl." I felt a hand on my forehead. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was not like I had fallen on my own. I was pushed down, for God's sake.

"I should go." I heard Ray's voice again with a dull undertone.

I felt the impulse to open my eyes. To see him. But I couldn't. I forced myself to wake up but felt my efforts bled in vain. Pain in countless places. Though it felt much less than the last time. My mind was hazy and drowsy. It felt heavy. Every thought seemed like a draining chore.

Gradually, I felt myself seeping into darkness. It was out of restraint. My continuous constraints to be awake felt like numb piercings. They did nothing.

I was exhausted. Every cell in my body felt drained out of its juices.

And that's when my mind collapsed again.

***

Raymond Fernsby was trying his hardest to not go mad. Every muscle in his body felt the aggravated pain that he felt whenever he looked at her. Her face almost white. Just a little colour in her face that ensured the fact that she was alive. But still in pain. Hurt on so many places. She looked just the same. Just like her.

Nothing about this situation settled well with him. With choked emotion, Raymond emerged from the hospital room and took a deep breath to calm himself down. But nothing seemed to soothe him.

There was something about hospitals that didn't resolve with him. And they didn't exactly bring good news. At least, never for him. There were too many memories here. Too many visions he would rather bleach his brain off than revisit them.

And now there was a new set of them. Of memories. The awful reality was, he was the cause of these this time. He could not blame any other physical entity. He could not inflict pain or make sure they pay for what they did.

He could only loathe himself.

And he did. He hadn't felt this hostile towards someone ever. He couldn't even look at himself in the mirror without reminding himself of the mess he had created.