Holding On (A Harry Styles Love Story)

Broken

I didn't even have time to get up before I heard the front door swing open and my name being called.

"Charlotte? Charlotte!" Harry's voice traveled to my ears, and I almost gave a bitter laugh at how panicked he sounded, how ironic that was. 

I stood up quickly before he could travel to the kitchen and find me. All of a sudden, my mind was flooded with a thousand thoughts. Don't let him see you like this. Say something. What are you going to say? Don't cry in front of him...not that you even could. You're such an idiot. Don't give him the upper-hand.

I froze when he finally came into my view. I tried to steady my jagged breathing as we stood there, saying nothing. 

His eyes-- they were red and swollen in their sockets, accompanied by dark bags. He looked tired. His face was splotchier than I'd ever seen it. At first, when he saw me, he just stood there. His hands were by his side, and his eyes searched me while I searched him. His mouth slowly opened as if he was about to say something, but he didn't. 

Instead, he rushed over to me and wrapped his arms around me tightly. Picking me up off my feet, he squeezed me tightly. I had to get over the initial shock of seeing Harry in my house. I had to remind myself that I didn't want his touch. 

"Don't touch me." I said; my throat sounded like it was coated in sandpaper.

He didn't release me from his arms. I felt my face get hotter, all of my emotion welling inside of me and threatening burst out. "Don't touch me!" I yelled, using all of my energy to push him away. He stepped back, catching his balance, and I saw tears streaking his face.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered.

Anger boiled inside of me, making me shake. The tears of defeat that wouldn't come earlier were now tears of frustration, and I had to blink them back madly,

"Sorry? You're sorry? Sorry for what, Harry? I'd like to know just what you think you did." I didn't realize I was screaming until I heard my voice echo through the house. I noticed that Jessica had disappeared.

His eyes grew wider, seemingly in a small panic. He began to shake his head as he ran a large hand through his curls. "Charlotte, I love you. I do love you. I do, I do-"

"Don't even lie to me, Harry. I'm not an idiot. I know what love is because I love you. And I would never do that to you."

He said nothing. He just stood there, staring, silent tears racing down his cheeks like the water droplets I used to watch on my mom's car window as it rained.

"Why were you with her?" I finally asked, my voice smaller than I intended. As soon as I asked, silence hung in the air, and I realized I might not want to know the answer to my question.

He sighed, holding the bridge of his nose. "We're filming a documentary. She's opening up for us on our next tour. Both of our management teams wanted us to get exposure together--"

"Just go away." I shook my head, my throat cold. "I don't want to see you, OK? We're done. Leave."

I didn't know if my judgment was clouded by my wave of emotions or if I was doing the right thing. I didn't know if I was too angry; I didn't know if I should be angrier. I didn't know much of anything anymore.

"Look, I don't know why I said what I did in that interview. So many people want Taylor and me to get together, I've had so many people pressuring me about it...I just, I bent, okay? I bent under the pressure. I said what people wanted to hear, and it was stupid, I know, believe me--"

"I'm sorry the media is more important than I am." I interrupted.

He shook his head, "It's not like that."

"It's exactly like that. Leave."

He began to argue, but I cut him off again.

"Leave! Now!" I screamed. The tears broke the blockade that was keeping them in their place, and they streamed down my hot face. He stayed there, frozen. I wanted to pull my hair out. Why wasn't he listening to me?

"I'm so, so, so sorry. I don't know why I was so stupid. I just know that if I lose you, I'll lose my mind." He shook his head; his voice didn't dare rise above a whisper. Tears still spilled down his cheeks.

"You can say 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you' all day long, but as of right now, those are just empty words. So please, just go." My lips shook as I tried to calm myself down enough to speak intelligibly. It didn't work. The next moment of silence, I began to scream again.

"Harry! Why aren't you listening to me? Go! Leave now!" I screamed, my throat burning. I didn't know what I was saying. I didn't know if I meant it. All I knew was that Harry was bad news, and I needed him away from me as soon as possible. I knew that if he touched me, he would make me give him another chance. I knew that it only took a few more looks into his green eyes to make me forgive him. I also knew that, just maybe, I didn't want him to go. Because I knew I still loved him. Because I knew that if he walked through that door, it might have been the last time I ever heard from Harry Edward Styles.

I stared at him as new tears were born in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. Why wouldn't he listen to me? Why wouldn't he say anything?  With each passing moment, the silence screamed at me. I felt like my insides were crumbling, like every organ I had fell into the pit of my stomach, making me want to throw up and scream and shout and cry at the same time.

"Charlotte..."

I closed my eyes, willing the tears not to give away any more of my pain.  "What?"

"I know there's nothing I can say to make you believe me, and there's no way I could take back what I did. But if I could go redo the last month, believe me, I would. I love you. I always have loved you, and I'll never stop loving you. I meant everything I said to you... everything."

As badly as I wanted to believe him, I knew that I couldn't trust him. And every second that he was in my presence made it harder and harder not to run into his arms. But his arms were fire. They would singe me. I couldn't afford to be burnt again.

As calmly as I possibly could, I told him, "Leave, Harry."

"I can't leave you-"

"Harry! Go! now! You already left me when you ran to Taylor. I don't care what your reasons were. The Harry that I thought I knew wouldn't have done that. He wouldn't have bent under the pressure, for what? For public appeal? For media recognition? You're disgusting. And selfish. I don't want you to call me. Don't text me. Don't even say my name. I'm not part of your life anymore, OK?"

His chest dropped, his shoulders slumped, and he sighed. His expression completely changed. I hadn't noticed it at the time, but just moments earlier, he looked desperately determined to get me back. Now, he looked weak. Like he finally realized that I was long gone.

Two more tears slid down his cheek; I wouldn't admit it to even myself how much that hurt me. He shook his head, and with his eyebrows raised wearily, his voice cracked. "Is that really what you want?"

I had doubts, but they were few. I knew I loved him, and that probably wouldn't ever change. But I couldn't roll over and play dead. I couldn't forgive what he did.

"Yes." I nodded. No, I thought.

"Charlotte-" He took a step toward me.

I stuck out my hand to hold him back until I was practically pushing his chest away.

"Harry," I said quietly. "I mean it. If you love me, if you ever  loved me, you'll do as I say."

"I'll always love you," he whispered before he finally turned around and left me.

I didn't see him leave. I heard my front door close, and I collapsed on my hands and knees, feeling more helpless and alone than I had ever felt in my life. I crossed my arms into my stomach and tried to make myself as small as I felt, and I sobbed for hours.