i wake up and get ready, all without checking my phone. last night i had a dream about Dream and kacey getting married. it was horrible, i had gotten the marriage invitation and texted dream. he wouldn't answer my texts and then i went to the store and saw him and he didn't even recognize me. kacey seemed concerned for me. at the end of the dream i figured out that sapnap had sent me the invitation because he didn't want me to feel left out. it was a horrible dream, way worse than what i could explain it as.
i tried not to think about Dream all day or what sapnap said. i just distanced myself from the boys for awhile. i went to visit my mom for a few days, that seemed to relieve the stress and temptation to think of my feelings.
i'm driving home from my moms house, radio on and windows down. spending time with my family definitely helped get me out of my head. i'm chilling and just going over the past days when i hear a familiar song on the radio. i feel the beats throughout my body. the muffled chorus at the beginning of the song, i've heard it countless times. being tagged in thousands of edits.
sometimes all i think about is you
late nights in the middle of june
heatwaves been fakin me out
cant make you happier now
i read the fan fiction. it was fun to read at the time but now i think, what if it's real? well obviously it's not real because it's a story but what if it could be real? could i kiss dream? no what the hell?! i pull my car to the side of the road. i close my eyes and let the song pass on. i allow the thought of kissing dream in. would i like it? i'm straight, right? as i think about it, i wouldn't mind kissing dream. well actually, i don't know. there's no way to know except do it. and i can't kiss dream, that'd be the dumbest thing ever. that could end our friendship. i lay my head on my steering wheel, careful so it doesn't honk. whatever. it's fine. i shake my head and get back on the road. you know, why am i worried about this. it doesn't matter if i do like him. i can just pretend everything's okay. i arrive at my home and unpack the small suitcase i had. finally i have some free time to do whatever i want. i haven't streamed in awhile, maybe i should do that. wait but first i have to actually talk to my friends. i've been totally ignoring them. oops.
~
dreamnotfound (+ sapnap)
george
hey guys. sorry i went mia for a bit. i went to my moms.
sapnap
GOGY I MISSED YOU
pissbaby
did you not have your phone?
george
uh yea i did but i wasn't on it a lot. just to check a few things. like i turned off my ringer multiple times because of sapnaps 43 calls on sunday 🙄
sapnap
you could've at least told us and i would've stopped calling.
george
whatever
~
i smiled at the conversation. it's good to be back in touch with my friends but i really needed that extra space. i do random things around the house for awhile, just passing the time.
sapnap🤠
hey can we call?
george
yeah sure
sapnap🤠
i might offend you, is that okay?
george
your voice offends me
just call me
the my phone rings once before i pick up.
"hey georgieeee" sapnap says with a cheerful voice.
"hey sapnap." i smile.
"okay george. i have a genuine question and i need you to answer truthfully. this is confidential and i promise i won't share this with anyone."
what the fuck is he talking about.
"i'm getting scared..." i have no idea what he's going to say.
"okay wait before i ask this, do you have anything you want to tell me?" he says hinting at something. oh my gosh i know what he's talking about. oh my gosh.
"sapnap..." i say with question in my voice.
"yes?"
"you dick, is he in the room with you?" he knows exactly who i'm talking about.
"no." he says quietly.
"you're a bitch, i know what you're going to ask and the answer is i don't know. do i have feelings for dream? probably not but the fact that i'm thinking about it all tricks my brain. so fuck you for tricking me into thinking i like him."
"woah dude, i didn't do anything, this is all you. i just want to be kept in the loop. don't freak out on me just because you know you're in love with him." i can hear the guilt in his voice.
"I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH DREAM! FUCK YOU!" i yell and hang up. i sit in silence for a minute before i get a discord notification from kacey. why is she texting me?
kacey
hey george:] i'm gonna stream in like an hour and was wondering if you wanted to join and talk for a bit.
george
sorry, i'm not in the mood to talk today. maybe some other time. thanks for the invite.
kacey
oh okay:(
are u ok george? ik we don't talk at all but dream told me that he misses talking to you and that you've been distant.
george
he misses me?
kacey
yeah, if i'm overstepping boundaries lmk.
george
can i tell you something that i normally wouldn't share with anyone else?
kacey
ofc always
is this dumb? probably. will i regret this. also probably. am i miserable? yes.
george
ok so basically i got upset the other day cause i thought dream was replacing me and sapnap told me some stuff that made me think i had romantic feelings for dream but i don't think that i do and i'm just really confused right now. please don't tell dream.
kacey
jesus christ george i was not expecting that. um okay i can probably help you out. do you think about him before you go to bed?
george
yea but i think about seeing him in the us and stuff like that
kacey
do u think u have any romantic feelings towards him?
george
idk that's my problem here, i literally told you that
kacey
i know.
dream and i are dating.
george
WHAT?! YOURE DATING HIM AND IM TELLING YOU ALL THIS STUFF?
dream is dating someone. fuck. c'mon. why wouldn't he tell me?
kacey
how does that make you feel?
how does it make me feel? it makes me angry, it makes me sad. it makes me sad? it was at this moment where everything around me started spiraling. the whole world was black. i couldn't seem to get enough air into my lungs. my phone is still laying on my bed but it seems miles away.
i finally figured it out.
i want dream.
i want to call him mine.
i want to be able to tell him i love you and mean it.
i figured it out.
i have feelings for my bestfriend.
he's not just a bestfriend anymore.
