Jay needed a moment to shake his own disbelief off. This wasn't happening. She would not go back to be this version of herself again. The version of shutting down and cutting people out of her life, of cutting him out of her life, dealing with everything on her own and burying her feelings deep inside the darkness that surrounded her. She's come too far. Way too far.
″Even if I have to tell you this a hundred thousand times until you believe me, you're not a bad mother. You never were and you'll never be,″ Jay said, out of his helplessness about this whole situation not knowing what else to say.
″Really Jay?″ she asked, laughing sarcastically yet again and turned around to him, tears running down her face again, endless pain and raw emotions surfacing.
″Yes, Erin, really. Why would you even think that? Why?″ he asked and now his voice broke in desperation.
″Because I'm a fucked up person Jay. A fucking ex-drug-addict that I'll forever be. Great role-model for our daughter, am I?″ she yelled, her words and the sound of her voice hurting in every single inch of Jay's body.
″Because my first intention after finding out I was pregnant was aborting my baby. Until I was 14 weeks I risked my baby's life every day because I didn't care. During my pregnancy I collapsed twice because I didn't take care of myself enough, didn't think about my baby first. Now she's here and instead of spending time with her at home I take her to the gym with me because I'm a selfish person who doesn't want to quit her workouts. Instead of coming home after the Zumba class to take care of my baby I go to Molly's with the girls because I like it and it's fun. I'm going back to work soon because I love and miss my job. I want to go on honeymoon without her. I always think about myself first, is that what mothers do? I couldn't take care of Nadia and got her killed and you want to tell me that I can take care of a baby and that I'm not a fucking bad mother?″
And just like this her yelling turned into an uncontrolled, hyperventilating sobbing and she broke down on her knees right in front of him. Seeing the woman he loved, the woman that was his life, breaking into a million pieces right in front of him, Jay fell onto his knees as well immediately, wrapped his arms around her fragile frame and pressed her head against his chest while he stroked over her hair and down her spine, holding her as close as possible. In the beginning she tried to resist, thrummed her fists against his chest while she cried heavily but she didn't have a chance against his strong arms and he didn't even think about letting her go, just kept on holding her and let her cry. Seconds turned into minutes but the sobs still didn't fade, maybe became even stronger.
Jay still had no clue what exactly had happened, what has brought her world in turmoil, but this was his least problem right now. Seeing her sobbing like this, seeing her being this out of control, this broken, he knew enough. Knew that her world's been shaken up in a cruel way. Knew that giving her time and being there for her was the only thing he could do in this very moment, the only thing he needed to do. No questions. Just holding her as long as she needed him to hold her, whispering ″I've got you″, ″I'm here″ and ″everything is going to be okay″ into her hair, his hand moving up and down her spine softly or his fingers tickling her neck gently to soothe her.
It took almost ten minutes until her sobbing slowly faded and her breathing steadied. Even though she slowly seemed to come back to her real self, Jay kept on holding her, waiting for her to pull back, showing him she didn't need him anymore. But except from her arms, that had been buried between his and her chest and she only now wrapped around his waist, she didn't move, kept her head resting on Jay's chest, listening to the beating of his heart, holding onto him frantically.
They stayed there, down on the floor, in between the dining table, the couch and the kitchen bar for another five minutes, absolute silence surrounding them, before Erin moved her head and looked up to him, really looking into his eyes for the first time this evening. Behind all the pain that reflected from her hazel-green eyes he saw the glimmer of thankfulness breaking through. Their silent communication still worked and he knew she wasn't able to say anything yet and he would give her all the time she needed. This first step was enough for now.
