Burn My Paranoia One Last Time

11. Seeing Stars

I jolt awake and sit straight. My eardrums throb as I clutch my chest. Everything is pitch black except for an eerie red glow reflected on the wall before me. The hairs on my neck stand on end as I hesitantly turn my head.

Glaring red dots on top of the bureau stare straight back. Slowly, my vision adjusts enough for me to see them turn into numbers. It's three in the morning.

My head falls forward on something hard as I sigh. Now I remember what happened. I passed out trying to solve this frustrating calculus problem. I'm pretty sure my notebook was still stained with the tears from last night.

Laying my head on my elbow, I stare up into the void of darkness that is my ceiling.

Why did I have to wake up now? And why did I feel like this?

I wish I was smart enough to finish that problem. Fuck, I feel so useless. I'm aware that I'm only making it worse for myself by wasting time and sleep lamenting it. Right now, it's this calculus assignment. What next? I still have to apply for colleges.. and I have to find the dough to pay it. I have to pass my exams.. I have to get good grades.. I have to get a job.. yeah, fuck my social life I guess.

Time is slipping through my fingers like sand, and I feel so alone. What if I'm not fast enough to live life? I was a freshman only yesterday, wide eyed and struggling with the mechanics of opening a locker. Next year, hopefully, I'll be attending college. Seventeen years of existence, and no one teaches you how to be an adult.

Shit, I don't know how to cook, or pay taxes, or cash a check. Oh, but thank god I know how to calculate the derivative of this damn function! Man, what would I do in life without derivatives, integrals, and Riemann sums?

I stand up dizzily and suck in some air, careful not to cry aloud.

The bedroom is awfully cold. It's not normally like this. Then again, I usually don't wake up at three in the morning. I hug my shoulders and lay down on my side, not bothering to pull up the covers. Did I forget to close the window earlier?

I furrow my brows and stare straight ahead at the curtains. Whatever's behind them, I'm not sure I want to see. A bead of sweat rolls down my forehead, but I don't bother wiping it away.

I can't seem to move. I don't want to. A sudden wave of dread washes over me, engulfing me within darkness itself. It's as if some invisible force is forbidding me to move. To breath.

I choke back a tear and clasp a hand over my mouth. God, be quiet. Be quiet. I feel my eyes moisten up.

Something feels awfully wrong. This is all.. wrong. What the fuck am I doing here?

The red dots blur back into a glow. A hot tear drips down my cheek. A blinding flash lights up the room for a few milliseconds before the deafening crack of thunder hits.

Rain falls.