Burn My Paranoia One Last Time

34. Lonely Night

I am truly all alone now. I stare at my pathetic reflection in the bathroom mirror and wipe my tears away with my sleeve. My eyeliner is all smudged now, and mascara is running down my cheeks.

The candle next to me is slowly melting, along with my will to exist.

I just want to run away from here. I can't stop the intrusive voices from whispering in my head.

You see? No one loves you. You're a waste of oxygen. All you cause is trouble for everyone. Sloane and Joel are gone now— all because of you. If only you'd handled all these situations better, but you didn't. You were a selfish friend who thought she was above everyone else. Now look at you, all alone. You're a worthless good for nothing loser. You look like trash because that's exactly what you are— trash.

I hold my palm above the open flame, urging it with my mind to caress me with its menacing warmth. It burns, and somehow.. the pain is sweet.

What tragic beauty it would be to burn my paranoia one last time.

I laugh as tears fall down my eyes. It doesn't matter how much everything hurts. It wouldn't even matter if my body decayed and I was still alive, because nothing can compare to the unbearable hell inside my head.

Even Darren knows what you really are. He loves you so much, so of course he knows the truth. You're nothing but a fake. You'll never find anyone who loves you the way you want because you don't deserve it.

I choke on my own tears and grip the edges of the sink. How can this be? Am I truly all alone? Have I really lost everyone? My knees tremble as my vision blurs. I feel so weak. I don't want to live... but I don't want to die, either. God, please, there has to be something to hold on to. Let there be someone! I can't be alone, all can't be lost.

If I really am all alone, and if it's true that no one really loves me, then I hope that when I go to sleep I don't wake up. If I go to sleep now at this late hour of the night, as I should, I won't feel anything. Sleep is the perfect way to disappear.

I stumble out and trudge through the dark hallway. I pass by my mother, who is sleepily making her way to the bathroom.

"Damn power still isn't back," she mutters to herself in irritation.

Ashamed, I quickly pull my sleeves down and scrunch them in my fists. I forget that it's still dark. She passes by too quickly to notice anyway.

***

"RAIN!!!"

A shrill scream jolts me awake. Rain is still pouring outside my window. It was so peaceful before, who could've woken me up?

My mother slams the door open and gestures wildly to the hall. "Rain Wilson, why is there blood in the bathroom sink? What is the meaning of this?"

Oh no, I forgot to clean up... I didn't want to be reminded of that. Can't I just go back to sleep?

"Oh, sorry. I accidentally hurt myself admiring one of the roses Sloane gave me a long time ago. I'm sorry I scared you. I'll go clean it up right now."

My mother trembles in the doorway. "No... there was too much blood. You.. you did this on purpose, didn't you?"

"God! Mom, I'm fine. Seriously, stop." I shake my head. No, this is my secret to carry. Damn it, just let me suffer in peace at the very least!