Burn My Paranoia One Last Time

13. Rewind Your Mind

"Welcome home, mija," Carmen's mother smiled softly as Carmen shut the door behind her. "Where were you?"

"I was at my friend's place, we were studying for a test together."

"What friends? Not a boy, right?" She raised an eyebrow contemplatively.

"Of course not," Carmen grimaced. "All the boys at our school are lousy anyway.. they're so self-centered. Anyway, I was with my girls, one of them dropped me off actually."

"That's good to hear," her mother nodded proudly and held up a plate when she walked up to the couch. "Want some frozen chocolate strawberries? I wasn't having the best day and accidentally made too many."

"Mm, sure," Carmen beamed and accepted. The savory sweet chocolate melted in her mouth as she closed her eyes in pleasure.

"Mama, I actually wanted to talk with you about something," she started nervously.

Carmen's mother studied her face curiously and patted the seat next to her. "Have a seat. Qué pasa?"

Carmen obeyed. She faltered under her mother's intense stare and debated whether to look back or focus on her lap. She looked up quickly before dropping her gaze. "I was hoping we could talk about Papá. You knew him much better than I ever did."

Her mother smiled gently and tilted her head, holding Carmen's soft cheek in one hand. Her daughter's skin was the same beautiful tone of honey brown her husband's had been.

"What do you want to know?" she asked in a quiet, soothing voice.

Carmen smiled back gently, grateful for her mother's willingness to share. "I know you didn't meet him till college... but.. what was he like when he was my age? Did he ever talk about his life in highschool?"

The middle aged blonde mother looked up, her eyes sunken with bittersweet nostalgia. "Your papá was only a year older than you are now when I met him. I'd assume he was the same. Mysterious, collected.. quiet. He was modest with his intelligence, and very humble. It was only in the party scenes where I think his truest self came out," she nodded at Carmen while she smirked lovingly. "You'd think he was a completely different person. He was so impassioned, lively, and boisterous. I don't know where on earth he learned the dance moves he did!" She laughed aloud.

Carmen joined in on the choir of giggles. She knew exactly what dance moves she was talking about, and where he performed them.

Her mother wiped away a tear as her laughter faded. "As for highschool... he never really talked about it. He said it brought him bad memories, so I never pressed him on it."

It must have been because of what happened to Rain, Carmen thought to herself. It must have impacted him so deeply that he could not even bring himself to share it with his wife. A tight knot formed in Carmen's throat. Maybe he wouldn't have reached the end he did if he hadn't kept it all to himself.

Carmen hugged her mother. "Thank you for sharing this with me," she pressed her face snug into her mother's warm shoulder as a tear slowly dripped onto her sweater.

"Of course, mi Carmensita," her mother held her tighter, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to slip forth. "Te quiero mucho."

"Te quiero mucho también, mamá," Carmen sniffed.

***

"Jeez, that took longer than I thought," Carmen sighed, wiping a bead of sweat off her forehead. She shouldn't have been surprised after spending the night recalling every single extracurricular activity she'd done in the past four years. It probably would have helped if she'd recorded them as time went on, but oh well.

Carmen slid the application into a folder and pushed herself away from her desk, rubbing her eyes as she sluggishly made her way to the bed. 

Her eyes shot open upon seeing the accusatory red digits on the alarm clock.

It's already 12?!

She fidgeted, her heart beginning to beat fast. It wasn't in her best interest to be awake during the witching hour. Shoot, she still needed to change into sleepwear...

Carmen slipped under the covers and faced the plain wall, away from the tricks of darkness. She shut her eyes and focused on tomorrow instead.

Mr. Dacus would be so proud. Mamá would be so proud. Tomorrow she would turn in her scholarship application. Tomorrow, the chances of her attending college on a full-ride would increase.

Of course.. her family had money, but they weren't that rich either. Tuition fees had shot up like crazy since before her own parents attended college, which made her wonder how they even afforded it.

Rain, Carmen wished in her head, Please show me more about my father tonight. Was he wealthy? Did he care about school like I do? Was he really that quiet?

Quiet footsteps tapped in the corner of the room where her desk was. There was a shuffling as the chair creaked on the wooden floorboard. Carmen couldn't see, but it sounded like it was turning.

She bit her lip. Her heart pounded. It might've been a selfish request. But she really wanted to know.

"We're in this together, aren't we?" She whispered aloud. "I will help you. Just.. show me more of Papá tonight. I promise, I'm still on your side."

A shiver went up her spine, as if she'd just felt the coldest breath on the back of her neck. Carmen gulped as the blanket around her tightened.

"Remember you promised..."