Burn My Paranoia One Last Time

41. Graduation

I remembered screaming in that cold hallway. Clutching at my hair desperately in hope anyone would finally acknowledge me. Everyone walked on, the crowd blurring among lockers and checkerboard floor until it all dissolved into distorted rays of light.

I rub my eyes. The crowd speeds up. In just a few seconds, the halls become devoid of people. I stand there, alone and frozen in place as the lights flicker off one by one. There is darkness for one minute then light the next. A piece of aged gum stuck on the floor glares up at me. The crowd of students appear again, roaming the hallways quickly while ignoring me.

I'm certain they can't see me. It can't be a prank, it has already gone on too long. Surely one person would have cracked and let up the facade.

Nothing felt real. They moved too fast. I wasn't used to any of this. The clang of lockers slamming shut and their speech became garbled together into a fuzzy block of noise fading in and out.

I can't say how much time passed, but suddenly the main hallway's ceiling is dangling with gold stars and ribbons. A loosened swirl glitters in front of me as it spirals onto the reflective checkered floor. A pair of gold and black balloon columns stand guard outside the entrance of the auditorium. I glance up to see a garland alternating black, gold, and white triangles, leading up to a banner that reads: CONGRATS CLASS OF 1980!

I gulp down a knot of deep regret in my throat. I can't stop the stabbing pain in my heart. What sort of twisted dream is this?

I'm starting to question my own existence, so I glance down at my hands for assurance. I hold them in front of me, palms up. Solid hands stare back up at me. Seems normal. I turn them over, and they blur for a second before turning over and becoming still. I whirl my wrist around, and the same strange distortion happens. My hands fade in between different motions and positions, in what appears to be a double image. What on earth is wrong with my eyes— my brain? One image is sped up, the other is delayed. I squint my eyes shut.

I open my eyes to hear applause and a formal voice echoing from inside the room. I take in a deep breath before stepping under golden banners and into the auditorium. I see an older man in a black robe— Principal McGregor— standing behind a podium on stage. He stands out against the red curtains behind him. In front of him are rows and rows of students wearing caps and gowns. Seated near the back of the room are all the parents and family members.

I see a little boy reach for an untethered balloon. His small hands splay open as he stretches towards it. His mother picks him up and turns him around to confine him on her lap. The balloon floats away, somewhere into the seemingly endless ceiling. Despite all of the abrupt movements, these things occur without the blurry or delayed illusion of a double image. I guess it only happens when I look at myself. It doesn't even matter though, since I'm the only one who can seem to see me at all.

Just in case... I turn to spot a teacher standing near the back. Her attention is fixated on Principal McGregor, even as I approach her.

"Excuse me, ma'am," I start.

She keeps her hands clasped in front of her, and her eyes on the front.

"Hello?" I stand in front of her and wave. "Can you even see me?"

She doesn't even bat an eye. I sigh and walk away, and she starts to yawn.

Something is really wrong, I just don't know what. Maybe I'm having an out of body experience like in those horror books Joel used to talk about. Although Sloane would call it something more along the lines of astral projection. Maybe I'm in a coma somewhere. Perhaps, I just need to find my body and get back in it so I can wake up.

I clench my jaw anxiously and tighten my grip on my sleeves. How I'll get back into my body I don't know, but that's a problem for after I find it. For now, I think I'll stay and watch the graduation for a little bit.

I walk down the aisle nervously. I could never do this in my normal body. No one sees me, and no one cares. No one's going to stop me from walking down the aisle in the middle of a graduation. This is incredibly surreal.

I spot Sloane in a middle row a couple people away on my left. Holly Jones is in the same row, right on the edge. It's so weird to be standing right next to her. I guess even populars get nervous, I realize as her knee bounces up and down. I shake my head when I notice Sloane's jaw twitching. Typical Sloane, finding any reason to chew gum. Weirdly enough, she seems to be chewing very intensely. There's a strange glint in her eyes, and her brows are furrowed as she keeps her attention locked on the stage. I can't tell if it's sadness or anger.

I continue walking up and down the aisle as students with last names Y and Z are called. Applause rings out with each name. I can't see Joel anywhere.

"Let's give a big round of applause to the Class of 1980!" The crowd claps and cheers on cue.

Wait, I plead in my head. I haven't seen everyone yet. Darren should be at the front somewhere, I figure.

"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. We will now announce the winner of the Annual Willowburg Merit Scholarship!"

I walk all the way to the front, swiveling my head from left to right. Where is he?

"— hundred thousand dollar award will give the winner the opportunity to attend the college of their choice."

There he is! I sprint towards front row on the right, past all the other people with A and B last names, to find him slouched over his seat.

"Darren!" I cry out and stand in front of him. "Please tell me you can see me. Please."

I touch his knee and gasp. He looks like he's barely holding it together right now. His eyelids are swollen, as if he were crying for hours before. A male friend of his pats his shoulder for reassurance while glancing sadly. Darren closes his eyes and gulps while nodding his head.

"The Annual Willowburg Merit Scholarship goes to..." Everyone waits in suspense as Principal McGregor opens a glossy envelope. He pulls out three thick index sized papers. Murmurs circle the room, and I immediately wonder the same thing as them. Was there actually a three way tie?

Principal McGregor's eyes go wide when he sees the name on the first card. His eyes turn as glossy as the fancy envelope when he finally says: "Rain Wilson."