Jordan's Mind

*sigh*

I... I just don't know. I'm having a break down right now. The whole trans thing, although it's completely real, I... I wish I never came out. I just wanted people to see me for me and I thought I'd be happy and finally okay with myself but it's only made me hate myself more. Because no one calls me what I see myself as. 

I'm still Mykayla and a her in the eyes of most of my friends and all my family. Some of my teachers don't call me what I prefer. And some of the people I trust the most, refuse to even make an effort.

Like, I know it's so difficult for them. I mean, I dropped it on them from no where. The only person who even knew about the whole thing was my friend Salem. But... just imagine how it feels for me. I mean like, I'm not excepted by my family. Even my sister, the most accepting person I know, has yet to ever as what I prefer to be called. And I can't even have a body similar tto what I want. By that, I mean I'm not even allowed to have a binder. 

A binder is a compression thing used to make you look or male-like. I'm not good with big words, sorry.

And worst of all, even other transgender people are hating one me. A few other people who went to my school last year came out as transgender. Now, I didn't know them very well so how would I have known? But a lot of the LGBT community has been bagging on me for that girl who killed herself recently. They've been saying I'm one of the fakers who see this as a trend. I don't know what sick-minded person you think I am. I couldn't imagine putting myself through this on purpose.

The humiliation. The harrassment. The consent dysforia. The pain. Just why? Why would I force myself through that? I don't know why you would even think that...

And people wonder why I want to be dead 99.99% of the time.