Jordan's Mind

Depressed

Hey guys... so I'm gonna try to write this without crying. Which isn't gonna happen. Stuff is gonna get deep here, so watch out...

I... I want to just stop living. I want to die. There is too much pressure on me, I can't take it. Nothing is helping my pain. It... it just hurts...

I recently lost two people who I loved. One... they bullied me. They've said things... and everyone I talk to about it calls it bullying. I just... I don't know. On the 10th of April I lost the second person I loved. He's calling me things now. He's making people hate me at school. I'm terrified to go to school because I don't wanna get bullied or get yelled at or anything. He's turning his grade against me. I don't see what I did wrong... but I mean who would like me. On April 22nd, this second person started bullying me.

I've lost all my confindence. I lost all my happiness. I'm no longer happy. How can I be happy with this? I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel as if I don't fit in. I feel as if I'm a freak to everyone. I barley have any friends at school. Everyone thinks I'm psycho. I... I don't know why... I'm quite at school. I'm invisible. I'm not even there. I'm in my own little world. My own little world where I'm happy...

This girl at my school, she hates me because she thinks I get everything I want. I admit, I have what I need. But when it comes to what I want, I don't get that. I didn't ask for sick, dying parents. I didn't ask to get bullied. I didn't ask to be hated by almost everyone I know. I didn't ask to be an outcast. I didn't ask to live...

I just... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm writing this so you know whats going on. So you all know how I feel. I type things out because I can just put all my words onto a page and I then think everything is fine. It's not. Writing it down solved nothing. It made things worse, why? Because I'll re-read it, over and over. In a way, I'm forcing myself to be sad.

Back to the topic of bullying. I will tell you selected things of what they've said to me. "You're not good enough for me." "They should stick you in a coffin and call you forgotten." or, "Oh. Did I say something that would indicate that I even care to know her? She complains about everything. So why would I want to? And if you're so important to her why aren't you guys dating? Oh. So she's fake now. I see. And EVERYTHING going on is because she ober exaggerated over something really small. And if I knew how she felt, I might not be such a dick. You could be right. But why should I try with someone who can't talk to me herself instead of sending one of her many Canadian friends? She probably has more Canadian friends than American (citizens) friends. I wonder why. Is it because she's so desperate to feel wanted she has to find leverage with people who don't know her or hardly know her in person because they don't know what she's really like?" Yep, that was the most recent one. That's the one that hurt the most probably.

I think... I should stop before I start crying hard again. Bye guys... this may be my last update for a long time. I love you all.